a new phase in life ~ the absolute unknown

I've always been the one who had the answers. The answers to problems, the answers to questions, the answers about Jesus. It's different now. I don't have any answers. I can't even bull shit answers anymore. I used to be pretty good at that. One of the youth group kids, or one of my coworkers or even a close friend could come up to me with a problem and I would have an answer. I think it's cause I used to use those answers. I don't think I do anymore.

I wrote a poem. It was just full of questions. There was no conclusion, no climactic chorus. There was no ending. The questions continued. And then I listened to a song that I could have written because it was so similar to where I am.

I can't understand this work of grace
How a perfect God could come and take my place

Yeah, this is where I'm at. In my poem it talks about me coming to Jesus and realizing that giving Him everything means giving Him a dirty, broken vase like one that has been knocked around too much by little kids playing basketball in the house. I don't want to give Him that. It's so inadequate, so gross. I just want to hide it.

The stars they don't move You
The waves can't undo You
The mountians in their splendor
They cannot steal Your heart
This God who is holy
Perfect in beauty
Awesome in glory
Is ravished by my heart

He's just too great to want something as dirty as me. So where do I go from here? Well, there's a question with no answer right now. I was praying with one of the youth group girls, and she was saying that she was in a fog. She knew God was there (there being an unknown though) but she had no idea how to get to Him. She had no idea where to go from where she is. I didn't have an answer. Because that's where I am. All I could do was ask God to reveal Himself to her, hoping that He would hear my similar cry as well.

I feel as if I walk into God's prescence with my heart in my hands, asking Him to take it, break it, mold it, use it. And then when He reaches out, I pull it back, holding it tightly to my chest, all the while saying, God why won't You heal me, why won't You change me, what are you waiting for?

Somehow I like where I am. Somehow there's still comfort, knowing that I do not have all the answers. Because that means I don't have to be the end-all. I don't have to be god. I can be Nicole. Human. Woman.

No need for anything but music
Music's the reason why
I know time still exists

It's the unknown that make life what it is.