Ragamuffin Gospel ~ Part 1

I'm in the mood to write. I decided New Years Day was my day to catch up on reading. Not anything specific, I just haven't read for fun in a long time. Plus I'm kind of in a spiritual funk so I decided to pull out Ragamuffin Gospel. Perfect for a time like this. The title says part 1...who knows if there will be more than one part but I thought I would keep the option open :-) Within the first 4 pages, I already have something to muse about so here it is.

"Why am I afraid to dance, I who love music and rhythm and grace and song and laughter? Why am I afraid to live, I who love life and the beauty of flesh and the living colors of the earth and sky and sea? Why am I afraid to love, I who love love?"
~Eugene O'Neill in the play The Great God Brown

I become this person. The kind of person who is afraid to do what she loves. Another section of this chapter talked about how people live lives of monotony. That has been me since Thanksgiving break. I have had more "fun" (world's fun) than I have had all year, and people who do not understand Jesus would say that I've had a blast. It has already become old for me. People really do this every weekend for years? I can't understand that. It has left me completely empty and void. I became the kind of person that I've looked down on.

I think everything in my life is connected. The quote in red sufficiently explains where I'm at. I am afraid to dance, to live, and to love. I'm afraid of being hurt.

I have been around many people in the last few weeks that I *know* God has put in my life for me to be His love to them. I felt like such a hypocrite trying to explain God's love to one of my 16 year old coworkers when I was completely rejecting it. Explaining it made me realize what I've been missing and what I've given up to live my life as I have been.

Patterns are hard to break out of, especially if you're not sure you want to break out of it....