I don't want to just survive

I had a conversation with my step brother tonight. Over a smoke. We were just talking about life and all the crazy things we've done. Then I asked him if I could ask a serious question. I asked him what his relationship is like with God and if there is one. He said "God's there but I'm just trying to live my life then die and go to heaven."

Then I realized that for the past couple of days I have been living like that. I just never said it out loud. What he said slammed me in the face. I realized how hopeless and depressing that sounds.

But the problem is I'm not sure where to go from here. I don't want to live like that. But I'm not sure I have the motivation to get anywhere else. I've heard it said that to live in abundance you have to think that way, even if it's not physically true because, spiritually, things change. The problem is, my mind can't think that way right now. It's hurting too much.

So where do I go from here? I guess, somehow, trust that God has everything in the palm of His hand and believe that He loves me beyond anything I can imagine. Somehow, someway, I will get out of this. Then I'll be good. Then I'll be back into it. Because that's the pattern of life. The ups and downs, the ebbs and flows, the backs and forths. That is what makes life livable. If I was always living in the clouds and on the mountaintop it would be boring. Living in the valley is what makes the journies to the mountaintop enjoyable. Living in the city is what makes the country so freaking amazing.

I don't know what will happen next but right now, I'm alive and that's amazing. Right now I have friends. Right now it's Christmas. Right now I'm with family. That's all that matters. I will live life one day at a time and hope that God has something better for me tomorrow and the next day. I can choose to whine about what I don't have or I can choose to be amazed at what I do have.

I feel so much better.