what a year

finally!
time for an official blog!

And yet I'm sitting here at the computer, staring at a blank page wondering what to say.

I read over some songs/poems that I wrote a year ago. It scared me.

I wrote about being blinded from the truth and screaming out, trying to find it.

I wrote about being rejected, and trying to be someone I'm not so someone else will like me and being jealous of a girl that was with the guy I liked.

I wrote about friends that were lost, friends that are no longer my friends and how I miss them.

I wrote about a girl that cuts herself, losing her soul, cutting away the emotions.

I wrote about not wanting to feel ANYTHING, just being a zombie because the pain was too much to love.

I wrote about not being able to sleep because the enemy was attacking me with lies about my past and failures.

I wrote about being deathly afraid of failure.

I had a talk with the amazing dooley the other day. I told her how it is great that I can hear God's voice, and if I don't learn anything else from this season in my life, I will know God's voice. She reminded me of a conversation we had just a couple months ago where I said that I couldn't hear God's voice, and we talked about drinking and smoking, and all that crap that we've tried. I realized that I am a different person than I was when school started in september. that was just 4 months ago. And it has nothing to do with me. That's the greatest part. I didn't change myself. the only I did was run to God because I desperately needed Him (and still do). He's the one that did the changing. I just opened my heart to Him, because there was nowhere else to open my heart up to. And he filled it, and continues to fill it. I only hope that God shows me now where to put all the love that's He has put in my heart. It has to go somewhere!

I need to have time to write again. I miss writing songs and poetry. I miss pouring my heart into my poetry journal and making it the portrait of me. I hope God will give me time.

Fasting is great. But I realized for a couple days that I wasn't actually spending time with God. So basically I was just missing a meal a day and it didn't really change anything. I got really convicted on thursday, and luckily my class got let out 20 minutes early (totally a God thing). So I went to the prayer shack for 30 minutes before I had to go to work. It wasn't long enough. So this morning I spent about an hour in there, crying out for campus, Ignite, my brothers and sisters in the Lord that I dearly love, and many other things. God showed me that what I need to pray for is UNITY. It took me back to the times in youth group, when Sarah and I would cry and cry for hours, begging God to convict people's hearts, begging God to change US, and that we would be the change we want to see, begging God to use us to unite His body. And now that I'm in college, it's the same thing. But now I have experience. God taught me so much during that time about unity and what it means. He also taught me about leadership and what that means. SERVANTHOOD!

and on to another thought: College students are selfish. that means we need to go against the grain. We need to do what others would not expect of us. January will be a defining month for Ignite as a ministry. We're either in it together, or we're not. there's no in between. We can't be divided. We can't have different goals as a ministry. Last years goal was to experience the intimacy of Christ. And that was amazing! I've heard so many great stories of that. But now, leadership has changed. And we can't re-do what God did last year. This year needs to be about giving of that love that we have received. We need to be lovers of people this year. We need to be out in the classrooms, meeting people, getting to know people, becoming friends, becoming people that others can turn to when they are hurting and broken.

so here's my idea: I don't see the ministry house that I live in as a ministry to me. I see it as a ministry to others. I want to have people over for game nights, for barbecues, for potlucks, for dance parties. Not as something that Ignite is running. But something that I can turn to my friend next to me in class and say "hey, I live a couple blocks away, and I'm having a game night/dance party/barbecue. wanna come?" And here I am, having FUN, like christians should be doing. And here I am, LOVING PEOPLE. Just as Christ loved us.

They will know us by our love!!!