self realization

It's really hard to learn something about yourself that you never wanted as a part of yourself

It's really hard to realize that you have fallen into the same pattern you told yourself you were never going to do again

It's really hard to see a friendship slipping quickly from your hands that you know is an unhealthy one

It's always the same. And yet I always go into it thinking it's going to be different this time. Apparently I don't know how to have close guy friends without screwing everything up. I allow myself too close. This time it was supposed to be different. I told myself it had to be different. This guy was different. This guy had no interest in me rather than to just be a friend. It's interesting what happens when a friendship is completely selfish on both sides. I used him to make me feel better. I was there for him, he was there for me. Maybe things will end up being okay, and he has no idea that anything is going on in my heart. But I can't living like this. I keep telling myself that I am not ready for a real relationship so I'm acting as unattractive as possible to the guy I actually want to be with forever. That way I don't have to commit, cause he (whoever that is) won't want me. Then I get scared that he's actually going to love me unconditionally. I get scared that I will let him down and hurt him more than anyone else ever has. It's true that the ones who you love the most are the ones that can hurt you the most. It's the fear that keeps me wide awake in the middle of the night; when the expectations are too great and the bar gets raised too high.

I trust Jesus. I know that He will always be there for me. I know that He loves me. That's all that matters. It's easier to serve Him on sunday morning and the times I open my bible and spend time with Him. I wish it was that easy all the time...