Hopelessness

Hopelessness is the word of the season
I don't have hope for certain relationships
I don't have hope for certain friends
I don't have hope for myself
I don't have hope that things are going to get better

I've just assumed for the last few months that things are just going to get worse. cause it has. and i have no hope that it will get better. there are very few things in my life that right now are bringing me happiness. very few things. and because of this hopelessness, it effects relationships because i get stressed out and it comes out in an angry explosion and no one knows what's wrong. they rarely take the time out to ask what's going on, they just yell right back at me. and we all know that works wonders....sarcastic haha riiiight.

i talked a bit with cori tonight. that was just what i needed. i was real. i let her know EXACTLY what was going on. i haven't been that honest in a long time. i haven't been that honest with someone who would actually pray for me and tell me how to change and what to change. there's a time for talking without wanting someone talking back but this was not one of those times. i needed someone at that exact moment to pray for me and not just listen and do nothing.

then i talked with liane. she's my favorite. she built me up so much. i know god is faithful. but i have to *KNOW* it. and i guess i don't fully *KNOW* it yet, which is why he is putting me through this. i'm not exactly sure what i even want from god. if i want anything. i was terribly distracted this morning during church. i was thinking about my life as of late. the drinking, the drama, the jokes, the lack of sleep, the relationships. nothing has really fulfilled me. but what was i really expecting? i know and i've always known that jesus is really what fulfills me. it started being a cliche religious phrase though.

i want to be genuine. i want to embrace my mistakes and my humaness. i want to love others unconditionally. i want to only say things i mean and mean the things i say.

i'm restless
i'm hopeless
Someone come save me

It's been awhile...

Most people my age who grew up in church are a lot different than what they were raised in. Myself included. I am very different than what my parents raised me to be. Of course, my parents are a lot different than they were when they were actually raising me. My friends (the closest ones) my age and I have a very different worldview than the churches we grew up in or the people we grew up around. As a whole, we are becoming more and more liberal, or as someone said "progressive," politically and religiously. We are trying our hardest to think outside the box and do things completely different than the way our parents did because we see it didn't so much work for them.

So is this a good or a bad thing? Sometimes I come down hard on myself because my beliefs have changed so much. Sometimes I worry that they have changed for the worst. I'm not as hardcore about what I believe as I used to be. I realized in the last year or so that I *don't* have all the answers. I think that's what screwed up the previous generation. They thought they had all the answers and that whatever they believed about the world, God, and politics was perfectly spot on. The problem was, people on opposite viewpoints thought that, creating an oximoron.

I don't have the answers. I don't know who God is. All I know is that He loves me. I know that Jesus is an amazing Man who walked this earth and died a horrible death because somehow, in God's kingdom, that meant that we would be able to spend forever with Him and that's all He wants. Other than that, I choose to have my opinions. I choose to *not* force my opinions on to someone else. I've tried that. It doesn't work and it causes rifts in friendships.

I find myself fearing my own beliefs. I don't always speak my mind because I fear, on either side of the spectrum, that I will be hated or mocked. Sometimes I think that because I see myself as a moderate that I am flaky, unable to make my own decisions and just riding the fence. Then I tell myself that neither side has it right. Neither do I. God created us to be in groups for a reason. We are all made in God's image. 6 billion people that are alive right now make up God's image, along with the billions who have already died in history. That's a big God. That's the God I serve. Not the God we've put in a box.

Yes, I'm pro-life. Morally. I choose to not push that on others. I can't tell someone who is in a situation that I have never been in that abortion is black and white. Yes, killing an unborn baby is wrong, disgusting, and depressing. But I have better things to do than tell a woman crawling to an abortion clinic, shame pouring over, that she is sick and wrong. The better thing I have to do is to tell that woman that she is loved beyond her imagination. That no matter what mistake she may make, Jesus still died for her, as well as her unborn baby. I told a friend once that no matter what she chose to do, I would hold her hand through any process whether that was having an abortion or live birth.

I have my own thoughts on homosexuality. But again, because I am not in the same situation, I cannot for the life of me tell someone to just stop. I also cannot tell someone they cannot have the same rights that I have. I really don't think that Jesus was about changing government. He was about changing hearts. If I want to make my area of influence better, I have to allow Jesus to speak through me. I don't all the time, and that's terribly unfortunate. But my job as a follower of Jesus is to love Him and love others. That's all I care about.

To the people who are reading this and are adamantly against what I say (either "right" or "left") I say again, I don't know who God is. I don't know His perfect view of things. I see dimly as in a foggy reflection. I may be completely wrong on this. But these are my convictions. I cannot be someone I am not. Did God make me this way with these beliefs? I don't know. I think I have made decisions that have affected my beliefs. I also think that God has not allowed me to just do this christian thing on my own. I believe my relationship is a two-way street. So I say again, you may be right about what you believe. But we won't know that until heaven.

I'm not sure if this generation will get it better than our parents. But one thing is for sure: we are not satisfied with the status quo. We are out there to break the boundaries and find out what's out there. It's much easier to find out where the line is if you've crossed it. I'm ready to run across the line so I can find my way back. I'm tired of inching closer and closer to the line, not really knowing where it is. I'm bolting, running past the people that give me looks that say "are you sure you want to do that Nikki?" "Wait and let me tell you why you shouldn't do that."

Don't worry, I'm not doing this on my own. If Jesus is not by my side, *anything* I do is worthless, even if it looks beneficial.