why am i up at 3?

I have way too many friends way too far away.

It's way too late for me to be up right now.

Alcohol seems to keep me awake more than caffeine does.

I need a good cry. And a cigarette.

There are some days

I look at myself and I think:

wow I'm gorgeous.

Today is one of those days.

And so,

with a smile on my face,

and ice cream in my hands,

I will end my day

with happiness.

chopstix/parkway

I went to Chopstix last night. It was weird. And funny. But Mike wasn't there playing. He really is the best one, I'm not gonna lie. We saw a flood of pink shirted sorority girls. And then we saw the army guys come in for the attack. We ran commentary while we watched. Many crazy things happened there, but they closed at 12 so we went to the parkway and played pool and laughed and retold all our funny stories. It was probably the best going out nights I've had in a while.

The end

No title

There are so many layers of life. There's different spheres that you walk in. But sometimes circumstances permeate them all.

I debated on whether or not to write this on an internet blog for all to see. It may be extremely vague, but if you have questions, ask me....

The anger I have recently displayed to a friend I just realized is wrong. There is nothing to exuse it, but there is a reason for it. This certain circumstance overshadows my life right now, pulling me down. I don't know how long I can take this. The wondering, the waiting. When will it finally happen? When will the grief end? Will running away make it easier or should I be around more? How will I deal with death of loved one? It'll happen someday. The "when" is the worst though.

So do I ask people to allow me to be a bitch? Do I ask that you let me let my grief out in unconventional ways? Do I ask to be left alone? I don't know. What I DO know is I'm emotionally exhausted and physically exhausted. I don't know how much more of this I can take.

Boy #1 (hopefully, he won't be boy #1 forever)

Boy was at church yesterday, looking very spiffy.
I did the cool-playing-hard-to-get kind of thing.
Didn't talk to him.
Even though I wanted to.
Real bad.
Then boy was at Ignite.
Decided that if we were going to chat, he would start the convo.
He did.
I came to a conclusion.
Boy likes to be my friend.
Just my friend.
I wish there was more.
But there's not.
It's a nice, safe, fun friendship.
FRIENDship.
Not RELATIONship.
Just friends.

Does that mean I can get over boy now?

April 4th, 2007

in the ocean
letting the waves crash around me
the power of the surf
dragging me to its whim
fighting against the dark unknown
not knowing which way is up
let go, let go, let go

muslces relax
tensions release
suddenly carried to a world
beyond imagination
the promise land

but there comes a time
when i miss the life before
grumbling
aching
for what i left behind
it sits in my memory
clouding the joy
remembering how "good" it was
and never remembering how bad it could have been

something resembling a slap in the face
wakes me from the nightmare
visions of what could have been
going from happy to dark and dreary

so i press on toward the goal
to win the prize

Have you ever done something and think wow, I could die right now? Okay, I know, pretty morbid. But it happened to me last night. I was driving. It was saturday night. At midnight. My thoughts: I could get hit by a drunk driver and that person driving almost hit me, I could have died. There were so many drunk drivers out on the road. I don't think I ever want to drive on a weekend past midnight AGAIN!

on a lighter note, a friend called me the other day that I haven't seen or spoken to in 6 years. And I'm hanging out with her today for lunch. I am stoked.

THE END