friends here again

Finally, the friends that departed for the summer are back. I even got to see the hott emo boy and realized I still have a little secret crush on him ;-) I hung out with Anne for about an hour. I saw Amanda who was with her. I hung out with Kelly, Tabitha, and Eddie over the weekend. I've covered most of my bases and by next weekend I will have gotten my withdrawls met.

ancient

Holy, holy, holy!
Though the darkness hide Thee,
Though the eye of sinful man
Thy glory may not see;
Only Thou art holy;
there is none beside Thee,
Perfect in pow’r, in love, and purity.

Hymns blow my mind. I played at a funeral yesterday and the most powerful point of the service, to me, was the part when they played this song, specifically this verse. For all my years of going to pentacostal churches, for all the worship services I've been in, for all the Hillsong concerts I've gone to, this was the most moving worship service for me. It was simplistic, yet deep. Ancient, yet everlasting. The truths in hymns are eternal. They are so thick and rich. Songs are not written this way nor will they ever be. I think that if I listen to a hymn in any part of my life, somehow it will speak directly to what I am going through. That's what this one did to me. The darkness is hiding Him, my eye that is full of sin does not see His glory, but it's still there, and He is still holy.

I will never again tell someone that older denominations are dry. Because they are far from that. I got so much more from this church than anything I've ever gotten.

the year plan

For the end of the internship, Kaj asked Emily and I to write down where we would be in one year. He gave us 5 areas: Location, Relationships, Family, Calling, and Stewardship. I thought I would write them down here and come back to it in a year to see how it measured up.

Location
Either Seattle or Tacoma. Seattle would be if I was a research assistant at UW Seattle. Tacoma if I found a full-time job here, but I don't see that happening in all reality. Unless it had to do with the YMCA but someday I'm gonna have to give that up!

Relationships
The reason I want to go to Seattle, and maybe out of state someday is that I need to broaden my relationships. I'm still a sort of kid around here. People have known me anywhere from 5 years old to 13 years old. That's 8 to 16 years that people have known me! That's a long time. I need to spread my wings and fly and learn how to meet new people. At the same time I think of all my great friends here and all the people that I'm inlfluencing and it pains me to think of leaving them. But I know that wherever God takes me, it's in His plan and I can rest knowing that He has it under control. As far as romantic relationships, I could see myself in one, but as of right now I am no where near ready for a serious relationship. That's not to say that I'm going to "date around" because I think that's stupid and heart breaking. I'm okay with having lots of good friends and not many best friends. And I know that the person I marry has to be my best friend. I'm just not ready for that level of comittment.

Family
My goal is to keep my relationship with my dad growing. I tend to bow out and make plans with friends instead of hanging out with my dad. I need him and I can't deny that. I need to work on my relationship with my step mom as well. I need her and I can't deny that either.

Stewardship

I have sat down with my roomate who is great at finances and we wrote out a plan. Basically, in the span of 1 and a half years my credit card will be paid off. In 3 years my car will be paid off. And in 10 years (maybe less) my student loans will be paid off. That makes me so happy! It's nice to have an end in sight rather than wonder if it's ever going to happen!

Calling
Wherever I am in a year I know my sabbatical from ministry will be over with and I will be involved in either youth group or worship team or both. Right now I'm in a place that not many people are my age. I can either choose to stay there and ride mediocrity or grow. I'd rather grow. This time of rest is not a stopping point or a time of shrinking. It's more of a launching point. I don't know what exactly that means, but I'm willing to ride the wave that God is giving me. The other thing is that I will be exploring marriage and family counseling, focusing on troubled teens. I'm not sure if I want that to be in a church or in a totally secular world but either one I'm fine with. And it's taken me a long time to say that to work in a church would be fine with me. I am excited where God is taking me and I don't want to limit that in anyway.


Well, that's my life in a year. I actually haven't been that bad at predicting my life a year in advance. But God still amazes and surprises me even throuh my plans.

a new phase in life ~ the absolute unknown

I've always been the one who had the answers. The answers to problems, the answers to questions, the answers about Jesus. It's different now. I don't have any answers. I can't even bull shit answers anymore. I used to be pretty good at that. One of the youth group kids, or one of my coworkers or even a close friend could come up to me with a problem and I would have an answer. I think it's cause I used to use those answers. I don't think I do anymore.

I wrote a poem. It was just full of questions. There was no conclusion, no climactic chorus. There was no ending. The questions continued. And then I listened to a song that I could have written because it was so similar to where I am.

I can't understand this work of grace
How a perfect God could come and take my place

Yeah, this is where I'm at. In my poem it talks about me coming to Jesus and realizing that giving Him everything means giving Him a dirty, broken vase like one that has been knocked around too much by little kids playing basketball in the house. I don't want to give Him that. It's so inadequate, so gross. I just want to hide it.

The stars they don't move You
The waves can't undo You
The mountians in their splendor
They cannot steal Your heart
This God who is holy
Perfect in beauty
Awesome in glory
Is ravished by my heart

He's just too great to want something as dirty as me. So where do I go from here? Well, there's a question with no answer right now. I was praying with one of the youth group girls, and she was saying that she was in a fog. She knew God was there (there being an unknown though) but she had no idea how to get to Him. She had no idea where to go from where she is. I didn't have an answer. Because that's where I am. All I could do was ask God to reveal Himself to her, hoping that He would hear my similar cry as well.

I feel as if I walk into God's prescence with my heart in my hands, asking Him to take it, break it, mold it, use it. And then when He reaches out, I pull it back, holding it tightly to my chest, all the while saying, God why won't You heal me, why won't You change me, what are you waiting for?

Somehow I like where I am. Somehow there's still comfort, knowing that I do not have all the answers. Because that means I don't have to be the end-all. I don't have to be god. I can be Nicole. Human. Woman.

No need for anything but music
Music's the reason why
I know time still exists

It's the unknown that make life what it is.

music's the reason why I know time still exists

There are those times that one is depressed and wants to listen to depressing music to stay depressed and wallow in the sadness. There are other times that one is depressed and puts on happy music and becomes happy. But it's not just any happy music. I can't put on the radio to kiss, I can't put on country, and I definitely can't put on hip hop. It's sunny, and the best music to listen to when it's sunny and one is feeling down is the experimental type music like Postal Service and Owl City.

So I feel better as long as I am listening to this music. When it stops I may feel sad again. That may seem shallow. It also may seem as if I am allowing something outside myself determine my emotions. That may be true, but I feel as though life stops when the music starts. I feel as though everything that makes me stressed, everything that makes me sad, everything that brings tragedy disappears. All that is left is the happy memories. The memories of driving around with the music blaring, windows rolled down, and screaming along with a best friend that doesn't care what you look like. It's the memories of letting go of everything and going crazy, just to go crazy. It's the memories of adventures in LA, Seattle, NYC, and even Lake Easton.

Someday I'll get over this slump. But for now, life still continues. And I can still find moments of happiness, through the waves that crash right on top of me. The sun still peaks out from the clouds. The rain still refreshes, even on a humid day.

Dancing ~ myspace.com/elisarockyoursoul

Time… is gonna take my mind

And carry it far away

where I can fly

The depth of life... will dim

my temptation… to live for you

If I were to be alone

silence would rock my tears

Cause it's all about love

And I know better

how life is… a waving feather

So I put my arms around you

around you

And I know that I'll be living soon

My eyes are on you

they're on you

And you see that I can't stop shaking

No, I... won't step back

But I'll look down to hide

from your eyes

Cause what I feel is so sweet

And I'm scared that even

my own breath

Oh could burst it

if it were a bubble

And I'd better dream

if I have to struggle

So I put my arms around you

around you

And I hope that I will do no wrong

My eyes are on you

They're on you

And I hope that you won't hurt me

I'm dancing in the room

as if I was in the woods with you

No need for anything but music

Music's the reason why

I know time still exists

Time still exists

Time still exists

Time still exisits

So I just put my arms around you

Around you

And I hope that I will do no wrong

My eyes are on you

They're on you

And I hope that you won't hurt me

My arms around you

They're around you

And I hope that I will do no wrong

My eyes are on you

They're on you

And I hope that you won't hurt me

~Elisa

more nostalgia

I'm listening to the first person that I had a crush on...I'm listening to his sermon. Man, was he a catch. I may go to visit my old church next week. It's fun to go back every once in a while...and look gorgeous doing it =) That's the best part! My old church is going through a transition. The senior pastor moved to california and one of the families that have been there forever (that I've known for probably 15 years). It's weird...but I'm sure it's a good thing.

That's all I have...

Hello Seattle
I am the crescent moon
Shining down on your face
I will disguise myself as a sleeping pill
And descend in clear view

Owl City. Check it out. myspace.com/owlcity
It makes me cry it's so amazing. I wish I could write music like that. I never thought I'd say this, but it's better than Postal Service which is damn hard to do!

quick update...not much time!

This week was intense.

I was program director at GO camp.

I've never done that before.

And I haven't gone to GO camp in 4 years.

I'm pretty sure the week was a blur.

Listen to Owl City on myspace.

I found them because I was checking up on a friend.

On myspace.

I don't call it stalking.

I call it checking up.

Making sure my boys aren't involved with shady girls.

And they're not.

Because all "my boys" are the coolest kids ever.