come with me and you'll be in a world of pure imagination

Willy Wonka is an amazing character. Think about it: you're walking through a door, thinking that you're gonna walk through a hallway into another door. Then you find out that there is no other door. You're uncomfortable, squished beyond belief. You're becoming claustrophobic, screaming at the top of your lungs to let you out. Then he says to go back through the door you came in. What? you say. That's the door we came from. He says "walk through it anyway." And then you do. And there it is: a world of pure imagination. Even so, do you want to continue following this seemingly crazy man? You see all these other children making silly choices, leading them to their destruction. Do you continue to follow? Is it Willy Wonka who destroyed the children, or was it the children who destroyed themselves?

Are you like Augustus Gloop? Always greedy, wanting more, until it destroys you?
Are you like Violet who wants the newest thing, even when it's not ready for her?
Are you like Veruca Salt, always wanting it NOW, and wanting EVERYTHING until it leads you into a garbage chute?
Are you like Mike TV, going on an adventure when it's not the right adventure?
Are you like Charlie, a simple boy. All you want is to stand in awe of how great the adventure that Wonka is leading you on.

Well, there's my metaphor for the day. I've decided that in some weird, demented way, Willy Wonka has some of the same characteristics God has. Think about it.

i love grits

sista girl you must be trippin

fallin head over heels

for a man who don't love you

don't know God

and don't wanna do either

lettin him wine and dine you

a small price to pay

to get the modern day tale of casting pearls before swines

no wonder you figure men are dogs

your brokenness/his neediness has brought you to this conclusion

close your eyes and i'll paint you a picture of a man

who ain't posted up in clubs

tryin to get yo number

who looks at your set of eyes

NOT the predictable others

who ain't impressed with short dresses, bling, and superficial things

so you wanna good man?

Here's what you do:

button up that shirt

loosen up those pants

oh yeah,

and get "DOG" outta yo vocab

God and His royal priesthood can hear your every word

to think D-O-G spells M-E-N is beyond absurd

ya heard?

music is....

....my drug
....my sex
....my comfort
....my love

we'll bring it back, old school style

Hi Barbie
Hi Ken
Do you wanna go for a ride?
Sure Ken
Jump In...

I´m a barbie girl, in a barbie world
Life in plastic, it´s fantastic.
you can brush my hair, undress me everywhere.
Imagination, that is your creation.

Come on Barbie, let´s go party!

I'm a barbie girl, in a barbie world
life in plastic, it's fantastic
you can brush my hair, undress me everywhere
imagination, that is your creation

I´m a blond bimbo girl, in a fantasy world,
Dress me up, make it tight, I´m your darling.
You are my doll, rock´n´roll, feel the glamouring thing,
kiss me here, touch me there, hanky panky.
You can touch, you can play, if you say "I´m always
yours"
uu-oohuh..

I'm a barbie girl, in a barbie world
life in plastic, it's fantastic
you can brush my hair, undress me everywere
imgination, that is your creation

Come on Barbie, let´s go party!
Come on Barbie, let's go party!

Make me walk, make me talk, do whatever you please,
I can act like a star, I can beg on my knees.
Come jump in, be my friend, let us do it again,
hit the town, fool around, let´s go party
You can touch, you can play, if you say: "I´m always yours"
You can touch, you can play, if you say: "I´m always yours"

Come on Barbie, let´s go party!
Come on Barbie, let's go party
Come on Barbie, let´s go party!
Come on Barbie, let's go party

Oh, I´m having so much fun!
Well Barbie, we just getting started.
Oh, I love you Ken.



I tried to find ace of base, the sign, but to no avail. Oh well, barbie girl is good enough!

harstad havana nights (i feel like a woman!)

Here I am, on an argosy cruise ship, dancing my butt off

and then I bum myself out

I get nostalgic

but i hide it

under the smile

under the booty dancin

under the noise

but now, sitting at home

it's not so noisy

there's no one to smile for now

I'm all by myself

alone with my thoughts

then I pull out my picture album

out of 21 pages, 15 of them have pictures of me and Sarah

sometimes the past and nostalgia can be my worst enemy

it's awesome that God has put great people in my life

but i terribly miss the ones He took out

maybe I'm tired and cranky, but I want to cry

The person that this is dedicated will go unamed, because she already knows who it is:

A hundred days have made me older

Since the last time that I saw your pretty face

A thousand lies have made me colder

And I don't think I can look at this the same
All the miles that separate

Disappear now when I'm dreamin' of your face

I'm here without you baby

But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time

I'm here without you baby

But you're still with me in my dreams

And tonight, there's only you and me.

The miles just keep rollin'

As the people leave their way to say hello

I've heard this life is overrated

But I hope that it gets better as we go.

I'm here without you baby

But you're still on my lonely mind

I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby

But you're still with me in my dreams

And tonight girl, there's only you and me.

Everything I know, and anywhere I go

It gets hard but it won't take away my love

And when the last one falls, when it's all said and done.

It gets hard but it won't take away my love

I'm here without you baby

But you're still on my lonely mind

I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby

But you're still with me in my dreams

And tonight girl, there's only you and me

things just gets so crazy, livin life gets hard to do

I have officially decided that Maroon 5 is sunshine music. Actually I decided that back in spring break '05 when Anna and I were cruising Ocean Ave in the beautiful California. The sun was shining, the music was blaring, the trees were swaying, and it was absolutely beautiful.

Today we talked about "La Belgique" in french class. They talked about "Ghent" but pronounced it the boring french way. I think I was too excited. But I don't care!! Ghent is amazing, even though I've never lived there and I've never been there. But in december....wow I'm so excited!! I still have to get my passport....and my ticket....and blah blah blah. I think I'm going to wait until the summer to officially get my ticket. that way I'll actually have money to buy it with!

I have two and a half hours to try and get some things done on my projects due in all three classes....and then go coach swim team.....THEN GO ON THE HARSTAD CRUISE!!! And I get to wear my new outfit I bought just for that.

Speaking of shopping, I'm going to get a new outfit for the dinner that the boys are treating us to. Or at least get a new shirt for the flirty skirt I got from urban exchange. And maybe cute summery shoes....unles I just want to wear flip flops, which could very well be! I love shopping way too much now that I have money to spend. Something I have to do: SAVE LOTS OF MONEY!!! That way I will actually have money when my europe/new york trip comes around.

I have that giddy kind of feeling when you're in love....but it's with the sun! I really need to move to san diego!!!

I will leave you with the words of Alicia Keys:

Lay your head on my pillow

Here you can be yourself

No one has to know what you are feeling

No one but me and you

I won't tell your secrets

Your secrets are safe with me

I will keep your secrets

Just think of me as the pages in your diary

I feel such a connection

Even when you far away

Oooo baby if there's anything that you fear

Come forth and call my number and I'll be here

I won't tell your secrets

Your secrets are safe with me

I will keep your secrets

Just think of me as the pages in your diary

And only we know what is talked about baby boy

Don't know how you can be driven me so crazy boy

Baby when your in town why don't you come around boy

Be the loyalty you need you can trust me boy

I won't tell your secrets

Your secrets are safe with me

I will keep your secrets

Just think of me as the pages in your diary

never ready to grow up

i've officially decided:
I am not ready to be an adult
here's my summer:
hang out with sarah for a week or two before I...
go to california for 2 weeks
work at a camp with kids for 2 months
be a kid for 2 months at camp
work all day in the sun, not all day in an office
I've decided i'm not going to take the job with my mom at her work
it's an adult's job
I'm not ready for it
lifeguarding and pool directing is fine for me
I'm not sure if I'll ever be ready to have an adult job
by the time I'm tired of swim instructing and lifeguarding
I'll probably be a stay at home mom

A Kid on the Inside

wouldn't it be great....

...if the sun could wash away your depression?
...if someone could kiss away your wounds?
...if you could snap your fingers and everything turned out perfect?
...if the best friend you've ever had was still in washington?
...if school would be done RIGHT NOW!?
...if everything worked out according to plan?

wouldn't it be great....

crazy shit

What do you say when your sister tells you that her ex boyfriend who has also been in contact with you tells you that he has been reading all her e-mails, looking at all her instant messages, and basically being a freaking creepy stalker? Do you tell her that you'll pray for her when she'll just roll her eyes? do you agree with her that he's a sicko? do you delete him from your list of friends on myspace? do you send him a message telling him to never contact you again? do you hug your sister through the phone?

I love my sister. I want to just hug her and hold her right now. Even though I'm her younger sister. Even though she's hurt me before.

Which reminds me...I should probably forgive her. It's been long enough. I've kept the bitterness for too long. I need to let it go and forgive her.

I'm visiting her in january. We'll hang out for a week and then it's back to washington. I have a feeling that I will be sad to come home. Hanging out with Anna for 3 weeks and then my sister for one week will be too much fun. I'll be going through travel withdrawls when I come back.

I love my sister. I just want to make that clear. I love her and I always will. Her and I will always be so different, but I still love her.

okay, no more sappiness. must watch "the two towers"

good times..........NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT

Here's what I get for housesitting in wonderful lakewood:

live gay porn.....
shall I explain?
So I'm sitting downstairs, minding my own business, doing my homework. I hear my name being called. I run upstairs, and they tell me that they have new neighbors. Gay neighbors. As they turned the blinds closed, they glimpsed something not so pleasant. Yes, 2 old gay men. Need I say more? I'm pretty sure I'm scarred FOR LIFE!!! I thought I was scarred when I saw Life as a House. I thought I was scarred when I heard my parents....yeah. But nothing has scarred me as much as this event. What is Lakewood coming to? Rather, what is THIS WORLD coming to? I realize that it's in the privacy of their home, but it's really not. The blinds were open! Who does that? I would be just as disgusted if it was a straight, married couple. I don't need to see that. The girls that I'm watching don't need to see that.

I need mental cleansing!!!!!!! breathe, Nikki, breathe.......

what I have continued to realize about myself.....

I have realized that I'm confident. I don't live with the crippling thought that I'm too fat, or not pretty enough, or not good enough. Yeah, I definitely have my bad days, but all in all, I can look at myself in the mirror and see what a beautiful women God has created me as. Much of that confidence is obviously attributed to God, but some of it is attributed to my parents. They raised me to be happy with who I am, physically and in other ways. And somehow, when they didn't exactly do that, I still got through resiliant. Yeah, there were times when my mother would complain about pants not fitting.....yeah, there were times when my dad would tell me to stop crying because it's a baby thing....but somehow, by God's grace, I'm still confident. Basically, God has brought me through so much without me even realizing it! He must have a huge plan up his sleeve for me, cause there's no reason that I am who I am, only by His grace.

I feel like writing a poem or a song.....Perhaps.....it is a sunday with nothing to do!!!

yay for being an artist....

Happy resurrection weekend! This is a time when we remember just how powerful and loving God really is. loving enough to let His Son be seemingly defeated. Powerful enough to raise Him from the dead!

Only with His love.

I read a quote this morning...it goes something like this: Jesus spread His arms out so wide to show His love for us. When He couldn't spread them any farther, He nailed them to the cross so He could never close them. His arms are still wide open, ready to receive the ones who will run into His arms.

Some of that quote is mine, and I paraphrased it a bunch. Anyway, Jesus loves you this...............................................much!

possible new summer plans

Decisions, decisions.
What fun, this whole being an adult.
Oh how I love it.

>sense the sarcasm<

I have a chance and opportunity to work at the YMCA Camp Seymore during the summer. From June 20th to August 26th. 68 days working full time with kids, running a pool, being in leadership, ministering to kids ALL DAY. Right up my alley.

Positives:
-working with kids
-being out in the sun (the few days it's sunny)
-showing kids the love of Jesus without words
-working at a pool
-teaching swim lessons
-living in a sheltered environment and still being able to give out
-adding another quality job to my resume
-gaining valuable experience in leadership, in the "real world" and not just in a church
-make $2500 to save towards my trip to europe and my new car

Negatives:
-not having the fun summer with Sarah that I wanted to
-not being able to work at other jobs
-not being able to go to the beach on 4th of July like I've been planning to all year
-not having a lot of time with the friends that will be here this summer
-being drained at the end of the day

Throughout all of this pondering on whether or not I want to do this, I've thought a lot about how I will be filled. I have to be filled to give out. I just talked to the guy who did the pool director position last year, and it sounds like I may have a lot of down time (as in, 30 minutes here, 20 minutes there, 45 minutes there). Perfect time to either go out and meet kids, or take a little quiet time with God. Either one would work for me! I'm pretty sure the positives weight out the negatives on this one. I just have to see if I actually get the job. I'm not fully qualified, and I wouldn't be super comfortable; it would definitely be a challenge. However, there is like 2 weeks of training to start the summer of, and I think that would be a perfect chance for me to gain the necessary skills I need to succeed. It would also be a valuable time for me to meet the other staff members, figure out who is strongly following the Lord, and bring God's love to them all, regardless of their religious choices. Everyone need His love, whether they are following Him or not!

We'll see where God takes this one. I'm getting more and more excited every minutes I think about it!

dance

I wish I was good at dancing...! Dance Ensemble 2006 was amazing. I loved watching it and pretending I could do what they did. I've always thought that for my "first dance" at my wedding reception I'm going to dance the tango. After the ceremony, I'll slide into a slinky red dress with a rose in my teeth and dance the tango with my new husband. That means my husband has to be a dancer.

My first date with "the one": dancing....I can't wait, but waiting is the best part!

my mommy's proud of me

I interviewed at my mom's work today for a job as an administrative assistant. I did well. The guy who interviewed me said I was intelligent. I wrote a letter because he wanted to see my english skills and formal writing skills. He gave me a "B+". He was a little intimidating, but only to get his point across. And I'm used to it, having Dan Balderson as a boss. Today was another good day, reminding me that I am as intelligent as I think I am. It reminded me that I am my mother's daughter. It reminded me that I'm not just average, unoriginal. I'm unique.

I am who I am, and that's all that I am

Ever had one of those days that you float through in a daze? that was me, on 3 hours of sleep! But even through the haze, God still speaks. There's a girl that is on the swim team that I coach for, and for some reason, she has attatched herself to me. She's 15 and whenever she's not swimming, she's hanging with me, chatting with me, and helping me coach. She turns 16 soon, and I may try and get her a job at the YMCA. We'll see. Anyway, back to God speaking. I just realized today that she is an open door! She's just waiting for someone to come along and show her that they love her, truly love her. Not love her in a sexual way, not love her just because they are her parents but love her because she is who she is! Isn't it cool that God can show people His love through His wounded, broken, imperfect child?

I'm exhausted, but overall it has been a wonderful 24 hours. Not because amazing things happened, or because I was happy, or because my day went perfect. But because God used me. He strengthened my weakness and He used me! Today He showed me that not only does He accept me just as I am, but He uses me just as I am. What a foreign concept to American Christianity. Use someone when they sin? Use someone who is weak? Let someone lead worship when they aren't perfect? Allow someone to preach who falls sometimes? In our eyes, impossible. In God's eyes, a daily occurence.


okay, ready for randomness?
I need to learn to cook like my mom does. I miss her meals. I'm eating beef stew and it's the most amazing thing I've had in a while!

things to do (or not do) in the future

Things To do:
get a backbone
meet with housemates more
find some way to get to sleep better that doesn't involve moving out or pills

Things NOT to do:
eat couscous right before bed
only get 3 hours of sleep
work at 4:30 in the morning
skip classes

finally, it's over

You know you're having a good day when you can play with crazy hyper little boys who *REALLY* like to swim

You know you're having a good day when you can smile at your bosses when they make jokes that poke fun at you

You know you're having a good day when you can say yes to more work even though you're tired of it

You know you're having a good day when you get your homework done

You know you're having a good day when you talk to the coolest little brother ever

You know you're having a good day when you get off work and see that someone called, just to see how you were doing

You know you're having a good day when you can finally suck it up and pray

You know you're having a good day when you can sit on your bed and RELAX after an 8 hour day of work

You know you're having a good day when you choose to

sorry for my bitchiness the past couple days. Like I've said before I was annoyed and irritated. Not at anyone in particular, just in general.

Too many things to get done this weekend + not enough sleep + hormones and cramps like I've never had before + spiritual attack = very crazy, not so happy, bitchy Nikki

I really tried this weekend. I hate using "I'm a girl" as an excuse for a bad mood, hurting my friends, and pissing them off. I hate feeling like I can't control what comes out of my mouth, what faces I make at people, and the anger and tears that boil over the surface. It's not me, but it happens. I don't want to say to people that they can just ignore me when I'm being like that "because I'm a girl." Being a girl (or, more appropriately, a woman) should not be an excuse for my actions. I have to take full responsibility for what I say and what I do. But it's hard when, again, I feel like I can't control it. It's not like this usually. I'm usually able to keep it to a minimum of outbursts, but for some reason, this time of the month was more intense than I've ever had it (as far as irritation and depression goes).

thinking back to when this all started.......
It was when I read the email from Sarah telling me that she was coming in June, but leaving earlier. It still hurts. She doesn't hurt me. I know that she is doing exactly what God wants her to do.

Now I remember something I discussed with God....and one of the true reasons I haven't been at prayer. I was talking to Him about the situation with Sarah and Anna, and them being gone, away from me and realizing that I can't be angry at them because it's what God wants. Then I realized that I have transferred my anger to God. Great. I've done it again. Turned away from the only One that can truly fulfill me.

I recognized those feelings
It reminded me of the time in september
when I decided that I didn't want to fulfill God's calling on my life
So I turned
and ran
and ran
and got drunk
then turned back

but now I'm back to running. is there something deeper there that I'm missing? I feel like there's a connection between things that still haven't gotten healed and friends being pulled away from me. But I don't know what or where that connection is. It must be deep. Am I angry at God for something and using this friend situation to give me an excuse for it? Does it have to do with my parents' divorce? Does it have to do with church? Does it have to do with friendships that have disolved?

wow. I just realized I'm an angry person. I've got a lot to be angry about. It's being stuffed down. and then it comes out in different forms and I always think it gets taken care of. But the deep, deep wounds are still there. and then more stuff comes up and I stuff it again. and then some comes out and the cycle starts all over again.

Life with Jesus is hard. Life without Jesus is harder.

THE END