48 HOP

Well, 48 hour prayer is 8 hours away from being done
But in reality, we're gonna try and keep it going past that, but we'll see if that's what God wants
God has done amazing things in these last 40 hours, and actually in these last 3 weeks from the fasting and praying
I hate leaving the prayer shack!
I signed up for 2 one hour slots
it's not enough
I could be in there for 3 hours and be perfectly fine
The world stops when I'm in the prayer shack
Nothing is happening around me
I can blare the music or stay quiet
My cell phone stays in my room
I'm actually becoming an artist
Nothing else exists except for me and God
He is absolutely amazing, nothing can compare

Nothing can seperate us from the LOVE of Christ
I press on toward the goal to win the PRIZE
To live is Christ, to DIE is gain

The sun makes me remember the summer...

Can someone just take me away?
Can I just run around point defiance and pretend like I'm 16 again with others who feel the same?
Can I drive around in my car and blare the greatest fad music EVER with friends that will scream it at the top of their lungs with me?
(that means Ace of Base, Mariah Carey, All American Rejects, and throw in a little Ashley Simpson and Hillary Duff)
Can I say the stupidest inside jokes and have someone laugh so much they cry?
The sun brings back memories of those days
The days of the summer
I need to laugh
I can't take this tearing out, breaking apart, and twisting anymore.

I need to laugh, really hard
I need to drive, really fast
I need to listen to music, really loud
I need to hug, a really big bear hug
I need to run, fast
Maybe I need a really good cry
And then all those things above
Cause tears heal many wounds

Good luck, Seahawks. Hopefully I will see you play on TV if I don't have to work

NEWS FLASH: I have a life outside work

I feel jipped, looked over, passed over, in the dirt, etc...
No matter how much I take responsibility
No matter how much I work my ass off
No matter how long I stay in one spot, being stable
I keep being passed over
Not only that, but people who are less talented
and people who don't take their job and/or ministry seriously
and people who are HIGHLY inexperienced
are promoted (or put into leadership) over me

...pause rant...
okay, so I'm not being prideful, I'm just venting. I know this is where God has placed me and I'm going to do my job without any pretenses or expectations of becoming a leader.

....replay....
in 2 areas of my life: work and church, I am so behind the scenes it's not even funny
In God's eyes, yes, I am leader, I effect change, I influence people around me, whether they are my peers or bosses, or pastors.
But in people's eyes, I'm not. I have no official title, which means to some people that I don't deserve respect.
I've been teaching swim lessons for 7 years and lifeguarding for 3 years. I've been in some sort of ministry since I was 12, whether that's teaching a sunday school class or being on a worship team, or leading worship. And yet people who have been teaching swim lessons for 2 years or even just 1 year are being promoted over me. Someone who was a guard for 3 weeks was promoted over me. People who have known the Lord for a year are leaders over me.

....pause rant.....
and I respect them, greatly.

....replay....
God is definitely teaching me a lesson in humility and honoring leadership, and submitting to authority. CAN'T I LEARN ONE THING AT A TIME? It's hard enough to handle this purity thing by itself, why do I have to deal with humility and submission at the same time!! I feel like my world is fallng apart, but in a good way. God is tearing things away from me that I've held so tightly to, and put over Him. It hurts so bad.

And of course I have to deal with PMS too. GREAT! just pile a million things on my head and put me in the worst mood ever, RIGHT before the fast ends.

GOSH

I still haven't written about the supposed subject of my post
so I had to get out of a manditory inservice today because I told Stephanie I would babysit Ethan today before I found out that the inservice was today
They were okay with it, because they have a make up day that they schedule later
Well, this afternoon I am called by one of the head guards telling me that there is a MANDITORY meeting for lifeguards and emergency responders next SUNDAY from 9AM-11AM
That would be the exact time I will be on worship team
Then he said that right after that is the MANDITORY inservice make up
Again, that will be right during the time church is, and right after church I'm leaving for Canada to hang out with Laura
Neither of those things can be rescheduled
Why would they make a manditory meeting on a sunday?
oh yeah, that's right, I work with people who couldn't give a care about God
And yet we supposedly work in a christian organization
yeah right, that's pretty much a joke to most people

GEEZ

the phrase of the day: dang it!

I want to cry
Giving up things that God asks of you to give up is HARD!
want the whole story? okay....

The other day I was thinking to myself....
To the world, I'm kinda dating around
I hang out with 4 guys alone, consistently
Then I decided to stop thinking about that, cause I didn't think it was that important
Yesterday it came up in my mind again
This time, my mind wandered to when the last time I consistently hung out alone with a girl
since Sarah and Anna left, I could count the times I've had good hang out times alone with a girl on one hand
Sad, isn't it?
Then I thought to myself "I'll just work harder on my friendships with girls, and also keep hanging out with guys too."
Then God said "no, that's not all"
He told me that I have to stop hanging out alone with guys all together
DANG IT!
I kind of waved it off like He didn't really say that
Then he reminded me of all the times I've prayed for Him to take EVERYTHING, anything He wants
DANG IT again!
So I said I would obey
Then He reminded me that He is calling me to a higher standard, a higher level of purity, and being totally set apart
This morning I cried for half an hour
then I took a shower while listening to Death Cab for Cutie
And I felt a ton better
But it still sucks

Oh yeah, and God told me that I have to tell all the boys that I hang out with alone that I can't do that anymore....
1 down, 3 to go
it's so hard
1 of them comes back from brazil tomorrow
I haven't seen him for a month
and he's probably gonna want to hang out
dang it......

have you ever had a thought that led you to another thought and again and again?

A thought occurred to me today
It was actually a string of thoughts
1. I feel like I'm growing up too fast
2. I was super responsible when I lived with my dad (because I had to raise 2 kids)
3. If I had not done that, I have no idea where I would be now

What would I have done if I did not have the foundation that I do?
I think I would have fallen head over heels, in love with alcohol, I'm not gonna lie
instead of head over heels for Jesus
sounds cheesy to people who don't get it, who haven't experienced

HIM

the Great I Am
the Creator of the Universe
the Savior of all
the Lord of lords
the King of kings
the Lamb of God

Everything I need is You
My beginning, my forever
Everything I need is You

The whole earth is filled with Your glory Lord
Angels and men adore
Creation longs for what's in store
May you be honored and glorified
Exalted and lifted high
Here at Your feet I lay my life

the newness of the blog

Here's my new blog
I'm over the green

something I didn't say in my last blog:
I love hospitality
My housemates and I were chosen for this house
We all have such a heart for hospitality
Right now we have a girl staying with us with a 16 month old boy
Who is darling
She has an abusive husband
She needed a place to stay until her stepdad could fly out here and pick her up
She has the cutest west virginia accent
Her son is hilarious
My heart continues to break for them
And I only met them last night

I AM SO OVER THIS!

I am sick and tired of being in the middle of feuding parents. I'm sick of giving answers to questions my father asks, just so that he can piss himself off or feel like he's bigger than my mom.

My mom doesn't have much money. But God blesses her. She has a new car because her boss blessed her with a ford explorer for only one hundred dollars a month. But my dad thinks my mom is lying through her teeth about not having money. Then he hears that my mom has a new digital camera. Again, he thinks that my mom is a bitch and says she has no money to pay for my brother's braces down payment but really just buys things for herself. Well, here's news for you dad: IT'S A FREAKING GIFT. Get your nose out of mom's business. It takes two to tango. You BOTH screwed each other over. It was not one sided.

And yet, whenever I decide not to add fuel to my dad's slander, I'm the bad guy, because I'm having a bad attitude, and it's all MY fault. Bull shit.

GIVE
ME
A
BREAK!!

Lord Jesus, I pray that I NEVER have to deal with this in my marriage. Show me how to follow you, and not have my eyes fixed on getting a husband. I want to be fully reliant on YOU and YOU alone.

happy birthday to heidi =)

I have no internet in my house, so the only time I can update this darn thing is when I go to my parents or when have some free time to go to the library at PLU (which is hardly ever!) Tonight was a good night. It's my little sister's 12th birthday today. My older sister flew in to surprise her, and it definitely surprised her! She stood in shock, staring at my sister. I love my little sister. She deserves a good surprise like that. My dad got her a Northface jacket (which seriously makes me jealous!) and she was grinning from ear to ear. Sometimes I think that she doesn't smile all that much, so it's great to see it when she does.

I stopped biting my nails. Which is good....but I'm getting annoyed with them now. I'm also getting annoyed with this whole fasting music thing. Silence hurts sometimes. Especially when you are alone with thoughts that you wish to drown out with music.

I feel like I should have a million things to say. Sadly I am empty at the moment. J-Term has proven to be a busy time. Hopefully I can work it out so that I don't have a class during that month. That way I can be in europe for longer than 2 weeks during christmas break. I wanna be there for at least a month! either that, or I'll take a J-term trip to Martinique and speak french, get a tan, and swim in the Carribean. aaah, that would be the life.

So I guess I do have more to say, LoL.....

I'm starting to see the legacy that my dad has passed on to me, and I'm loving it! When I was 12 years old, I started playing piano on my dad's worship team. Then he decided he wanted to start a youth band at our church in gig harbor. We built it up to the point that we had a drummer, piano player, guitarist, and 5 or 6 singers under 13 years old. I've played on youth worship bands ever since. Then I moved on to lead youth worship bands. I started in Yakima, and now I'm in tacoma doing it (but as of right now I'm on a little break from that....i'm too freaking busy!) Then I got a call the other day from a friend that goes to church in Spanaway. Her worship pastor is starting a youth band, and she wants *MY* advice. Me? Giving advice to a worship pastor? that's insane! She mainly wants ideas on songs and styles, but still, I can't believe it. My dad has passed on this legacy of leading worship (specifically youth worship) and sometimes I don't realize how amazing he really is. It's great to take a step back from a father/daughter relationship and look at it from an adult point of view. My father is an amazingly talented musician and worship leader, and he has taught me so much. Yeah, he's not perfect, and some of his legacy he's passed on to me is some bad traits, but the good totally outweigh the bad. Thanks dad.

whoever is reading this, try to think of things that you are thankful for in your parents. I know we all complain about our parents' mistakes, but for the most part we all have great parents who would die for us.

that's enough motivational speaking for tonight. I'm gonna go get me a milkshake now =)

what a year

finally!
time for an official blog!

And yet I'm sitting here at the computer, staring at a blank page wondering what to say.

I read over some songs/poems that I wrote a year ago. It scared me.

I wrote about being blinded from the truth and screaming out, trying to find it.

I wrote about being rejected, and trying to be someone I'm not so someone else will like me and being jealous of a girl that was with the guy I liked.

I wrote about friends that were lost, friends that are no longer my friends and how I miss them.

I wrote about a girl that cuts herself, losing her soul, cutting away the emotions.

I wrote about not wanting to feel ANYTHING, just being a zombie because the pain was too much to love.

I wrote about not being able to sleep because the enemy was attacking me with lies about my past and failures.

I wrote about being deathly afraid of failure.

I had a talk with the amazing dooley the other day. I told her how it is great that I can hear God's voice, and if I don't learn anything else from this season in my life, I will know God's voice. She reminded me of a conversation we had just a couple months ago where I said that I couldn't hear God's voice, and we talked about drinking and smoking, and all that crap that we've tried. I realized that I am a different person than I was when school started in september. that was just 4 months ago. And it has nothing to do with me. That's the greatest part. I didn't change myself. the only I did was run to God because I desperately needed Him (and still do). He's the one that did the changing. I just opened my heart to Him, because there was nowhere else to open my heart up to. And he filled it, and continues to fill it. I only hope that God shows me now where to put all the love that's He has put in my heart. It has to go somewhere!

I need to have time to write again. I miss writing songs and poetry. I miss pouring my heart into my poetry journal and making it the portrait of me. I hope God will give me time.

Fasting is great. But I realized for a couple days that I wasn't actually spending time with God. So basically I was just missing a meal a day and it didn't really change anything. I got really convicted on thursday, and luckily my class got let out 20 minutes early (totally a God thing). So I went to the prayer shack for 30 minutes before I had to go to work. It wasn't long enough. So this morning I spent about an hour in there, crying out for campus, Ignite, my brothers and sisters in the Lord that I dearly love, and many other things. God showed me that what I need to pray for is UNITY. It took me back to the times in youth group, when Sarah and I would cry and cry for hours, begging God to convict people's hearts, begging God to change US, and that we would be the change we want to see, begging God to use us to unite His body. And now that I'm in college, it's the same thing. But now I have experience. God taught me so much during that time about unity and what it means. He also taught me about leadership and what that means. SERVANTHOOD!

and on to another thought: College students are selfish. that means we need to go against the grain. We need to do what others would not expect of us. January will be a defining month for Ignite as a ministry. We're either in it together, or we're not. there's no in between. We can't be divided. We can't have different goals as a ministry. Last years goal was to experience the intimacy of Christ. And that was amazing! I've heard so many great stories of that. But now, leadership has changed. And we can't re-do what God did last year. This year needs to be about giving of that love that we have received. We need to be lovers of people this year. We need to be out in the classrooms, meeting people, getting to know people, becoming friends, becoming people that others can turn to when they are hurting and broken.

so here's my idea: I don't see the ministry house that I live in as a ministry to me. I see it as a ministry to others. I want to have people over for game nights, for barbecues, for potlucks, for dance parties. Not as something that Ignite is running. But something that I can turn to my friend next to me in class and say "hey, I live a couple blocks away, and I'm having a game night/dance party/barbecue. wanna come?" And here I am, having FUN, like christians should be doing. And here I am, LOVING PEOPLE. Just as Christ loved us.

They will know us by our love!!!

too much to say, too little time

sad news:
I have no time to fully update my blog. class is in t minus 8 minutes

good news:
Jesus is amazing
fasting is great
my sister is coming next thursday, just for my little sister's birthday
good times

hopefully this weekend there will be a post on my life as a J-term student, and working 35 hours a week. I think I'm going to go crazy!