say goodbye to global warming

It snowed for my birthday. I don't know if it's ever done that! And yet I still have classes...dang it! I wanted them cancelled, but I'll live.

I've definitely been on an emotional roller coaster the last couple days, but you know what? God is bigger than that! He deserves more than me moping around, living in my ups and downs and being controlled by them. Last night was amazing. Not because worship was so great or because the band sounded so cool. It was because I realized (again) that I am playing for Him. I am there not to remember or carry in all my baggage. I am there to worship the Savior. Something Chad said made my jaw drop. He said that he was at a lake and it was crystal clear and the snow was falling and all he could think about was God. All he could see was God. I love that. It put into perspective that it's all for Him. Throw out all the day to day crap we go through. We don't have to be bound by that. Yes, we are humans and we hurt each other and we mess up. But it's not something to be bound by. Realizing that is the first step to getting free. It's one of those things you have to say to yourself over....and over....and over again, then you finally believe it.

Try it sometime: I am beautiful. I am smart. I am talented. God loves me with everything He is (which is a LOT!). I don't have to live in chains anymore.

I love God and life and all the lessons they teach you.

I'm going out tonight for my 21st. And I look gooooood. I'm not gonna lie. But guess what?

"I'm not here for your entertainment
You don't really wanna mess with me tonight
Just stop and take a second
I was fine before you walked into my life
Cause you know it's over before it began
Keep your drink just give me the money!"

I don't remember it all.....thanks Pink.....so uplifting (sarcasm intended)

happy birthday to me. I just bought myself a birthday present. I can't wait to use it. I'm actually going to Imogen Heap. In Portland. On a freaking tuesday. Skipping class. It's gonna be great.

21 in 2 days. woo hoo

study break

The day after thanksgiving. The day to lounge around and let everything settle from the last 2 days and try to write a 20 page paper that is due way too soon. I should probably get back to that, but I decided to take a little break. I have shut myself off to the world with my sister's iPod. Yay, I get to listen to Hillary Duff, Panic at the Disco, and Journey. Among other things. She has a funny taste in music that resembles mine (minus the hillary duff, raven-symone, and high school musical).

I hope everyone had a good thanksgiving. I had 2 good thanksgivings! Hanging out with my dad was good. I don't get a chance to do that much often. But it's mostly my fault because I choose not to go over there. I realized I'm comfortable sitting on my mom's couch, watching tv, feeling at home because at one point, this was my home. My dad's house has never been my home. Enough of that.....tonight I'm going to a jam thing with my dad and some of his friends. I'm excited. More bonding time with my dad and people in his life. It's hard to be so detatched from his world. For a while I practically was his life. Then he got married. But I've let it go, forgiven him.

I keep getting side tracked! Anyway, I'm gonna finish this paper this weekend, but for short study breaks I'm going to:
-hang out with Cori
-go to the jam thing with my dad
-hang out with Samuel
-go to breakfast with my dad
-go to church
-go to a meeting
-have dinner and drinks at the ram

Back to the paper: absolute pitch in individuals with autistic spectrum disorders. Sounds like fun? yeah, that's what I thought.

Samuel, this one's for you

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Thanks Samuel, for staying up with me all night just to try to fix our friendship. You're amazing and I am sorry for all the times I don't say that. I'm sorry for the times I seem to show that I don't think you're amazing. I'm sorry for shutting down. I'm sorry for "staring politely right on through." Your friendship means so much to me and I am a better person for it. I want everyone who's anyone to know that.

Here I am, struggling...again.
I keep doing this to myself, even though I know all the answers.
It doesn't make sense in my mind.
I am disapointed in myself this weekend.
But only because I didn't do what I "really" wanted to do.
And I am dissapointed in myself that I am dissapointed that I didn't do what I "really" wanted to do.
I hate that I can never get what I want.
Because I am too shy.
But that makes me who I am

I was planning Ignite and one of the songs we are going to do is called Inside Out.
It's one of those songs that you *have* to mean it to sing it.

A thousand times I've failed, still Your mercy remains
And should I stumble again, still I'm caught in Your grace

Yeah, I can handle singing that.
It's so nice and makes me feel warm and fuzzy.
And then you come to the bridge

In my heart in my soul, I give You control
Consume me from the inside out

That's a little harder to sing.
Yes, God meets us right where we're at, but He pushes us farther.
It is not acceptable to Him to keep making the wrong choices.

It's a challenge that I accept, but I need all the help I can get from the Lord
He truly sustains me.
He truly is everything.
He deserves everything.

melon baller....nuff said

I pretty much love this time of the month.
The time of the month that my stomach gets twisted in knots.
When I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep for years.
When I feel like I'm going to hurl.
When everything in the world pisses me off.

I realized tonight I have more in common with Wes than I thought I did. It's a good thing. It's a God thing. I like having guys as friends that are only ever going to be friends. It makes life simpler. But there's a only a couple of them out there. The other friendships that I have with guys are too complicated. It makes me want to give up. Blah. I've lost faith in love and marriage too many times but somehow God keeps restoring it. It's all good because I still have a few years to allow God to heal me. Don't forget: 25. I'm going to win the bet.

friends and lack of sleep

I had waaaay too much coffee last night. 16 ounces of house coffee (with nutmeg and splenda) and a couple sips of the Dancing Monkey on Crack, and I think I could have stayed up for 40 hours if I really wanted to. As it was, Tabitha, Eden, and I got back to tinglestad at a little after 1. Then me and tabitha couldn't stop talking because we were so caffenated so we decided to "do homework" in the prayer shack which turned into 3 hours of talking about life, friendships, boys, marriage, and prayer. We ended up giving in to sleep at 4 am, after texting Samuel to wish him a good morning (and to call him sunshine). At that point, Tabitha realized she didn't have work at 10...she had class at 8. oops. I slept for about 5 hours then woke up because I had to pee (not because of my alarm) and I couldn't go back to sleep. So I stayed up, ate breakfast, called in sick to work, and then took my test. And, surprisingly, I am so awake. I was definitely coherent for my test, which I was surprised for. Before I went to bed last night I asked the Lord for a good night's sleep, and I only do that when I know that it was totally God that I stay up late. It's happened a lot in the last couple years, and God has been so faithful each time to keep me in His rest at night. It was so good for us to hang out, and I love how we both have so much of a hectic schedule, but we can still get together and talk for 3 hours straight! This is one of those friendships that is totally God-ordained, and He is the center of our frienship. We realized the first time we really got to know each other was when a group of us prayed for her. Since then it's just been natural to get to know her, and for me, it's hard for me to get to know people because I'm either shy, or I just don't want to small talk, or we don't find much in common with each other. But when I become friends quickly with people, I *know* it's God!

Tonight's agenda: hang out with Sarah, Samuel, and Cori and laugh our butts off at Jack Black in Nacho Libre. Tonight I get to hang out with 4 of the great friends (of which the list doesn't end there) in the world. That's pretty much amazing. So much for being lonely!

comfort food=dark chocolate covered cranberries

Apparently, because I was late ONCE and because I had a bad day ONCE, I am now "being disrespectful to some of the directors." That's not me. My bosses should know me better than that. And I think by "some of the directors" he means one of the directors. If I have been disresepectful in any way, I want to know so that I can change. That's what I told him. I said I have no idea why the directors would say that and that I want to know what's going on, because I was literally clueless, hit from behind. I had no idea that was coming. I was shocked. After heading out, I ran in to one of my coworkers who is a christian and an amazing friend/sister. I vented to her through tears and sobbing and she said some things that made me feel better. I was a little offended and hurt that my boss would come up to me and say that. I was offended that the person that felt I wasn't respecting them didn't come up to me herself and talk to me. We're adults, can't we deal with it in the right way? You go to the person you have a problem with; if they don't respond THEN you go to the superiors.

.....sigh...... someone seriously has to remind me why I'm working there. Oh yeah, that's right...it's because I love teaching 5 year olds how to swim. Then why am I lifeguarding? It's not fun for me anymore. I need to phase out as soon as the holidays are over and move totally into swim lessons. I've been too obsessed with money. God will provide, He always does.

I refuse to let the enemy bring my day down because of this. My day today: go to class, leave early to register, teach little Rosa to play piano, coach swimming (one of the loves of my life), and go to youth group (another love of my life). How can I be angry or mad when I get to spend time with kids all day? God, bless my day. Thank you for the opportunities you have given me to change kid's lives. I love You.

I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to start swimming to school now. Watch out for Nikki in her bathing suit.

The rain is freaking amazing. It sucks driving through 20 inch puddles, but other than that, it makes me smile.

I have confirmed that I do NOT have seasonal depression. thank GOD for that!

best friends-they're grrrreat!

I had a great day. In the midst of the rain (which I enjoy) and sometimes the gloominess that comes along with rain, I started a lifelong friendship. Have you ever done that? Made a friend that you *knew* you were going to have for the rest of your life?

Corrie Boyt=my newest best friend. I'm like the little kid who says that many people are the "best" friend. I would name them off, but you all know who you are. The reason I am "like" the little kid and not "am" the little kid is because this list is special. Only the people I feel that I can trust with everything can get on this list. Corrie is the newest addition to that list. It's not that she's the new youth pastor's wife so I *have* to get to know her. It's because she has taken a genuine interest in me and starting a friendship with me that affects me the most. It's not the kind of relationship that says we'll meet for coffee and always have the intention but never the behavior. It's the real, true, genuine kind of friendship. We hung out for 2 hours at NPCC. It was a great 2 hours. No awkwardness. No walls. No hiding. Just me. Just Corrie. Then I came to church. After church, Nate and Corrie invited me to come to dinner with them and Nate's sister and his mom. So I had a couple more hours of Corrie.

I've decided I really like the Boyt family. I am glad I get to see them around more often now! I've always thought Becca was the coolest kid to walk the planet and we are always super excited to see each other even though we barely know each other. It's one of those acquantance friendships that wouldn't really be much but because we both love the Lord a LOT and we both like to laugh a LOT we got along GREAT!

I'm ending my saturday on a high note. Let's hope Sunday beats today =)

reminiscings on the summer

I turned on the RENT soundtrack, and I realized that it was my music for the summer. It reminds me of the fun times dancing in my room with my roomate, Eddie (I love calling you that!!). It reminds me of the sun. It reminds me of tanktops. I cherished the times I could sit on my bed and just listen to music. It reminds me of when I thought I wanted to be a true bohemian. The kind that goes with the flow, doesn't let anything stop them, and lives freely.

This summer was one of my favorites. I didn't do much. I worked a lot. I went to Creation and saw Hillsong United. I lived with Eddie. I spent a lot of time on grandview and in point defiance. I smoked, drank, and cussed. I lived life without many responsibilites. I crashed my car. I bought a new car. I made plans and changed them. I dreamt.

Now it's time to bundle up and settle in the for the winter. It's just gonna get better.