Here it is...there is no more

for the first time this semester, I feel like life is under control. I was going to put "I have life under control" but that is not true. It definitely has a direct link to how my relationship with God is doing. *HE* has control over my life. Wow, that feels so freaking amazing to let Him be in charge. And yet, sometimes I take control away. Humans are WEIRD!

You lose control when you hold too tight
or turn your head long enough to let it bite
and faith left me starintg at the cieling
through the night
it's freaking me out

You lose your mind if you lose control
it makes you feel ashamed
for the hearts you stole
and now your own heart's
scared of an attack
because you can't give them back

Because life is under control, I have time to watch american idol. yay.

And here's another song that sums up where I am

Live because you love
Love will make you give
Give in when you Break
But you just want to fix yourself
just to break again

That's basically the story of my life. It's the circle that sometimes I feel is a depressing one. But I live because I love. Love makes me give. I give in when I break. And I fix myself so I can break again and start the circle all over again. It's not bad, it's life. It's the way life goes on this world. The valley makes the mountain. The shadow proves the sunshine. The brokeness makes the healing. There I stand. Joyfully. Gladly. Willingly. Right now I'm in the healing process. In a few months (or maybe weeks) I will be back in the broken phase. And it's okay.

Now everyone who reads this knows where I am at. I often wonder why I write in blogs. Like a diary. Perhaps because I want to be open about my struggles. Who knows.

But the quetions must stop because American Idol just started.

Ciao!

the good, the bad, and the ugly

the Good: God's love is deep, high, long and wide, and I can never understand it

the Bad: I didn't do all the homework I wanted to this weekend

the Ugly: I'm two seconds away from quitting all my jobs (except for the Y...imagine that!)

ATF 2005

I was looking through Anna's old blog (annaintacoma.blogspot.com) and I found some quotes that no one is going to care about except me and Anna.

ATF Nibbits
Acquire the Fire moments to remember, kinda in order of appearance:

"You're in the PK-van cause then when something happens... well, then we just don't really care."

Brazilian boys can jump.

When Mike was calling Anna on her cellphone and she was right behind him.

I am free to sing. I am free to dance. I am free to live for you. I am free.

FUNGUS

"I sat under the cross tonight."

"Goodmorning good looking fella's!"

Only Chad can look that good in a blanket.

"Hey You!"(Chad pretending he knows people.)

Reuben hid Chad's clothes. Reuben also missed out on burgers.

"The nutricional value of this meal is not that nutricious."

Mark can't dance. Neither can Anna. Or any other youthleader for that matter. Except Chad... he naturally scores 100% on the Chad-scale.

"By all means, break the law kids." (Anna-several times within 48 hours.)

"I rock your blatter."(Anna to Laura)

So where does he score on the Chad-scale?

"There ìs a Brazilian station; 93.9!"(Rubem)

"If Matt were here, I'd so challenge him to a personal moshpit."

"If I were born in a different skin color... well, then I wouldn't be this skincolor and then I could actually dance."

'Do unto others' ... Not 'do not do unto others'...

Christ did not give His life to start a club. He gave His life to raise up an army!

When you are in the frontlines, hardships are expected.

"Chad is a rice-Christian."

"This is the 11th time I have to pee today."

This is the day I died!

When Anna and Chad decided to randomly change drivers seats.

"Hi everyone, I'm your driver tonight!"(Chad)

When Anna stole Chad's drivers seat in the suburban and Chad had to sit in the passenger seat of the Great White cause Laura stole that seat.

"I'm at a youthretreat being a responsible driver and... Nooooooo way!!! Is that Nikki hanging out of the Great White?"(Lynn -sorta- to her friend on the phone as we are pulling up.)

Seu cabelo esta pegando fogo?(Is your hair on fire?)

KEEP IT REAL!

Basically, one of the best weekends of my life ever! The van rides from the church to the tacoma dome will forever be engrained my memory!

More answers to eternal questions

The question is rearing its ugly head again.

WHY ME?!?!

Why am I making farely good choices? Why am I not screwing up my life? I refuse to believe that it's just because I am a good person, I make good choices, I am not fucked up.

No

Because if I say that, I am also saying that I am better than people I consider my best friends. I'm better than Sarah because I haven't done THAT or I'm better than Eddie because I haven't done THAT or Joy is better than me because she hasn't done THAT.

So where does that leave me? I've decided that I believe it is because God is protecting me, that He has a plan for my life and somehow, me being somewhat "pure" fits perfectly into that.

So why is protecting ME from those choices, but not some of my friends?

Because I am a masterpiece. I am different than my friends, and they are different from me. My "ministry" was, is, and is going to be different than anybody elses. My relationship with God was, is, and is going to be different than anybody elses.

I left church early today, partly because I was sick. Partly because I don't believe that I am a masterpiece, and I didn't want to hear it anymore. I don't deserve to be the song that He creates, works with, adds to, takes away from.

I walked into church thinking how horrible I am for raising my hands, singing these songs. Because I haven't been doing that during the week. I haven't had the relationship with God I've needed. I haven't worshipped Him as He deserves. So I sit up in the front, raise my hands, and appear to be the good christian girl that everyone thinks I am.

When in reality, I am a broken and messed up song, in desperate need for God's voice to heal me and create something beautiful. The only reason He hasn't met that need is because I have put up my hand, telling him to stop.

By the way, you are already beautiful

Thanks. I don't believe it, but thanks

Then you call Me a lier

Oh. I just don't know how to believe it! I look at myself and I see failure, mistakes, humanity.

I see that too. But I also see who that is shaping you into. I see who I created you to be. I see myself reflected off of you

How can You see Yourself reflected off me? How can you see the Creator of the Universe, the Savior of the world, the Everlasting God in ME!?

Because you are created in My image. Nothing can change that. You are and always will be created in My image

"Hundred"

The how I cant recall
But im staring at
What once was the wall
Separating east and west
Now they meet admidst
The broad daylight
So this is where you are
And this is where I am
Somewhere between
Unsure and a hundred
Its hard I must confess
Im banking on the rest to clear away
Cause we have spoken everything
Everything short of I love
You right where you are
From right where I am
Somewhere between
Unsure and a hundred
And who's to say its wrong
And who's to say that its not right
Where we should be for now
So this is where you are
And this is where I am
So this is where you are
And this is where ive been
Somewhere between
Unsure and a hundred

~The Fray~

cause when the lights are low you're gonna cry, cry, cry

too much to say and so little time.
i have felt like crying all weekend.
sometimes for good, sometimes for bad.
good reasons: God spoke some awesome things to me; my friends are amazing, diana gave me her digital camera
bad reasons: i missed Anna's call, i'm frustrated with *things*, i miss justin and malia

i'm gonna go curl up in my bed and try to remind myself of the good things. and then try and finish some homework. then cry some more.

ANNA-i wish i could have answered your phone call. i didn't even know you called me until about an hour after the last time you called. my phone was off. i was at deep water retreat. i love you and miss you terribly.

a song of mine has now inspired 2 people
that is all i have ever wanted for my music
it made my day

thanks sarah and chariti

wake up call

I think I know why I'm not in a relationship yet
It's because I'm learning from everyone else's mistakes
But I'm probably still going to make those mistakes
But I'm also learning from how people fix those mistakes
And I'm learning about God's grace
It's amazing for sure
I don't deserve to be where I am, who I am
Wake up call
The next party could be one too many
The next guy I flirt with could be one too many
The next crazy thing I do could be one too many
Sometimes I wonder why God has had so much grace on me
And why God has protected me from my own choices
There's not a lot seperating me from the f-ed up person next door
Other than God's protection
Definitely wake up call

Last night I had that strange dream
Where everything was exactly how it seemed
Concerns about the world getting warmer
People thought that they were just being rewarded
For obeying stop signs and curing diseases
Now we can swim any day in November

~Postal Service

THAT'S what I think about global warming!

Why does love have to be so difficult?

Why do I have to be so shy?

Why can't I just tell him how I feel?

Oh yeah, it's cause I don't know if he feels the same way.

Oh well.

This weekend will be a blast.

I will be hanging out at Point Defiance with Sarah tomorrow.

Then I will be on worship team.

Then I will be on my way to Pullman.

Running away, for 24 hours.

Everyone needs that once in a while, right?

Running away from uncertainty.

Running away from work.

Running away from stress.

Running away from life.