depressing...

Well, my day did NOT get better. I felt lonely, forgotten, trapped, and frustrated. It sucked to walk into a party with one of my best friends and see a group of guys that I *thought* I was friends with and they shout my friend's name. They proceed to treat me as though I did not exist. Bastards. Previously at work I had to deal with a bunch of crap and become the bad guy in the situation. I cried all the way home because I couldn't handle all my coworkers shit. I'm tired of punk high school kids who think it's okay to drink and drive, or come in to the pool high. I'm tired of being put in the middle of things only to find out I didn't need to be....long story.

I'm sick and tired of these depressing days I've been having. I need to get away. Maybe I need a weekend a month to just go. Last month was disneyland. November won't be nearly as exciting, but I need to get away. Even if I just went to a hotel on the beach. Or took a yakima trip to hang out with chelsea, austyn, kathryn, and jaylene. yeah, I think that's what I'll do. But I always say it and never do it. Things always get in the way and pile up.

ugh

I'm having a terrible day.

This halloween party better be GOOD.

the best part of my day....

I was walking with Robbie to pick up his son from Sunday school this morning. I walk in the room and I hear 4 tiny voice say, "NIKKI!" I look down to see 4 little 4 and 5 year olds running up to me and hugging my knees. Annabelle, Phoebe, Reagan, and Evie are my favorite little girls in the world! They made my day.

It also made me realize how much I have invested into PSCC. Not the building or the pastor. But the people. Today I went to church for the first time in 2 weeks, and before that I only went on saturdays so no one saw me. I was hugged by all ages. From my kindergarten fan club to Lois, one of the older ladies who enjoy being grandmothers to everyone they possible can. This happened when I needed it the most. The time when the enemy tells me I am unloved and unwanted.

Unending love
Amazing grace

First, Jesus tells me He loves me through the music. Then He tells me He loves me through people. Just at the point when I wish I would have been too hungover to come to church, He reminds me why I'm glad I don't do that. Just at the point when I wonder what the hell I'm doing, He reminds me what I'm living for. Just at the point I doubt my relationship with God, He takes that little tiny seed of faith and grows it just a little.

And people say He doesn't exist or speak to humans. You just have to experience HIM. Not church, not sermons, not intellectualism. HIM. He's not just a person that lived a long time ago. He's not just a god that's somewhere in the cosmos. He is a friend. He is a king. He is an experience. He is love.

What would I do without HIM?

just everyone knows...

If I am not married in 3 years and one month, I will win a bet.

it's looking good for me so far =)

my thursday night:
....trying to do homework
....doing myspace and facebook
....watching a male version of desperate housewives
....running into austin and eric at the store
....getting breakfast for tomorrow since I will be up at 4am
....eating pizza at 10:30pm
....taking sinus medicine cause I feel like I need to sneeze
....being the only girl in the apartment
....one word: melancholy

observations of myself

So this is what I do:
I start liking a guy.
But I keep "looking."
Then I find another guy.
And I start liking him.
I think I figured out why I do that.
I'm scared.
I try to find things that I don't like.
That way I won't have to commit.
I also won't get hurt.
I haven't been in a relationship.
And I can never read guys.
JUST SAY YOU LIKE THE GIRL.
And get it over with.
geez.
I suck at this whole romantic thing.
I can't get it right.
And I haven't found someone yet who has the balls to say how he really feels.
waiting...

My weekend

driving for 40 hours (round trip)

my shift from 6 am to 9 am

eating lots of junk food

"our poop is not going to float"

reggie and i reminiscing about soul survivor

spending time with family

my friends loving my grandparents

my cousin thinking austin was hot

disneyland for 16 hours

kathryn's first time

austin getting motion sickness on the 2nd ride

dance party at lunch to tobymac

space mountain 3 times

indiana jones 3 times

thunder mountain 3 times

splash mountain

"dr d does NOT approve!"

one hundred photos of "it's a small world"

hawaiian hula girls

french burlesque girls

standing in line for hours

materhorn bobsled

"nikki, can you yodel?"

kathryn likes to rub sun screen on my back

missing amanda

missing eddie

missing aaron

austin and kathryn engaged!

one too many rides for nikki

dramamine

another driving shift at 5 am

and another one at 9 am

beautiful lake shasta and pictures

reggie sleeping a lot

giving nate 2 bags of food and praying for him

getting home 2 hours before we thought

losing my lute card

chatting with amanda

chatting with eddie

taking more dramaine to fall asleep

waking up at 4 am to work

the trouble with love....

someday I'm gonna make some guy really really crazy. he's gonna wonder why he's with me. he's gonna wonder what he did to deserve an emotional wreck like myself.

he's also gonna love me a hell of a lot.

Love can be a many splendored thing
can't deny the joy it brings
dozen roses diamond rings
dreams for sell fairy tales

it'll make you hear a symphony
and you just want the world to see
but like a drug that makes you blind
it'll fool you every time

the trouble with love is
it can tear you up inside
make your heart believe a lie
it's stronger than your pride
the trouble with love is
it doesn't care how fast you fall
and you can't refuse the call
see you got no strength at all

now I was once a fool it's true
i played the game all the rules
but now my world's a
i'm sadder but i'm wiser too
i swear i'd never love again
i swore my heart would never mend
said love wasn't worth the pain
but then i heard it call my name

the trouble with love is
it can tear you up inside
make your heart believe a lie
it's stronger than your pride
the trouble with love is
it doesn't care how fast you fall
and you can't refuse the call
see you got no strength at all

Sober ~ Kelly Clarkson

I don't know

this could break my heart

or save me

nothing's real

until you let go completely

so here I go

with all my thoughts

I've been saving

so here I go

with all my fears weighing on me

3 months and i'm still sober

picked all my weeds

but kept the flowers

i don't know

i could crash and burn

but maybe

at the end of this road

i might catch a glimpse of me

3 months and i'm still breathing

been a long road

since those hands i've left my tears in

but i know it's never really over, no

wake up

3 months and i'm still standing here

3 months and i'm getting better

3 months and i still am

3 months and i'm still breathing

3 months and i still remember it

3 months and i wake up

3 months and i'm still sober

picked all my weeds but kept the flower

a fork in the road

different directions

which one has my name

written in stone

bring restoration

You bring restoration
You bring restoration
You bring restoration
To my soul

You've taken my pain
And You call me by a new name
You've taken my shame
And in it's place
You give me joy

You take my mourning and turn it into dancing
You take my weeping and turn it into laughing
You take my mourning and turn it into dancing
You take my sadness and turn it into joy

are care free summer days gone?

As I venture into the unknown land of adulthood, I pause to look back on adolescence. I ponder on the things about myself that I want to take with me into adulthood and what I need to leave behind. Adulthood is about responsibility, maturity, and other things I do not know yet since I have not yet been experienced in this land. Adolescence is about being crazy, doing stupid things, not having many cares. I remember the summer nights when I would sit on Ruston Way. I have more memories there than I thought I did. I have memories there with Drew, Sarah, Jesse, Isaac, Debbie, Zach, Anna, Hannah, Kassy, and Jenny. I've gone down there by myself to watch the sunset and write bad poetry. I've laid on the grass with Sarah, Jesse and Isaac. I've sat in my car talking about all the hard things about life with Drew. I've watched the stars on the docks with Debbie and Zach. I've watched in amazement the people crabbing with Anna and Hannah. I've ran with Kassy. I've sat and talked through issues with Jenny.

My memories continue on and on. But what do I bring with me to adulthood? I want to have care free summer days.

marshmellows and chocolate fondue beckon...