My desperate heart's cry

Oh great God

be small enough to hear me now

There were times when I was crying

from the dark of Daniel's den

I have asked You once or twice

if You would part the sea again

But tonight I do not need a fiery pillar in the sky

Just want to know You're gonna hold me if I start to cry

Oh, great God

be small enough to hear me now

Oh, great God

be close enough to feel You now

Oh, great God

be close to me

There have been moments

when I could not face Goliath on my own

And how could I forget

we've marched around our share of Jerichos

But I will not be setting out

a fleece for You tonight

Just want to know

that everything will be alright

Oh, great God

be close enough to feel You now

All praise and all the honor be

to the God of ancient mysteries

Whose every sign and wonder

turn the pages of our history

But tonight my heart is heavy

and I cannot keep from whispering this prayer:

"are You there?"

I know You could leave writing

on the wall that's just for me

Or send wisdom while I'm sleeping

like in Solomon's sweet dreams

But I don't need the strength of Samson

or a chariot in the end

Just want to know

You still know how many hairs are on my head

Oh, great God

are you small enough?

be small enough to hear me now

the mormons...

I'm always amazed at how friendly and nice the mormons are. Two of the sweetest ladies came to my door (at my mom's) and started chatting with me. We didn't talk about religion or anything, they just wanted to invite me to the activities their church does.

It feels good to be nice to them. I don't want to get in huge arguments with people there. But I do want to see them free! I want to see these girls rise to what God has created them to be, not what man tells them to be.

Maybe I'll go there and take their tour they were telling me about. How cool would it be to make connections with a mormon church? Be friends with them, not agree with them. Love them, not damn them to hell.

wise words from a friend

"I need to be active and busy with LIFE! Enough of textbooks, theories, debates, and lectures! I want life, not stale dust!"

oh yeah. I forgot. I'm supposed to be enjoying my time as a 20 year old. Instead I'm running to this and going to that. I have 5 sources of income. I have a rent to pay for. I have 3 hard classes to study for. I have Ignite, church, and youth group that I am all heavily involved in. I don't just attend church, I DO church. I keep thinking "one more thing couldn't hurt". Yes, it is possible to do all the things that I'm doing, but do I *want* to do them? that's the question. So what am I doing, and why am I doing it? time for reflection:

1) working at the Y. I love it. I get to affect people's lives. I get to smile at people. I get to save lives on occasion. I get to make someone's day. I get to pray for people (not outloud *yet*) while they're swimming. I get to add to a childhood memory of a really cool swim teacher who helped them overcome their fear.

2) coaching swim team. I'm in these kids lives for a reason. I get to ask them about their day. I get to encourage them, especially when they feel discouraged. I get to tell them how amazing they are, and how beautiful they are and how much they are loved.

3) teaching piano lessons. I get to help 4 girls realize what an amazing gift music is. Not only does it stimulate the brain and make you smarter, but it brings so much joy to be able to sit and play a piece of music that you never thought you could play. Or sit and make music to God, by just playing a few notes together. I get to be in their lives when I wouldn't otherwise see them all the time. I get to be a life-long memory to these girls.

4) staying overnight with the Hines. They now call me their sister. It's great. I love being an older sister to many.

5) Ignite. PLU is where God has placed me for this season of my life. He has given me such a heart for this campus. And He has brought me to a new place as a worship leader. I absolutely love it! Even though sometimes it is hard, and sometimes I don't want to live up to the high calling God has placed on my life, I know that this is who God has created me to be. And Ignite is the place that God has chosen for me to grow, and further establish that firm foundation in Him.

6) School. This is a tough one. I love learning. But at the same time, I hate how time consuming my classes can be. And sometimes how frustrating. And how contraversial. But school is definitely NOT a life-long dream of mine. I'll be fine when I'm *done* with college and graduate school if God calls me there.

7) youth group. Again, here I am, in the community, changing kids lives.

8) worship team at PSCC. I took a break during the fall, but I'm back, and I love it. Playing piano is such a passion of mine, and being able to play with not only great musicians, but great worshippers is such a blessing, and I do not see it as being a stressor.


So there you have it. 8 major commitments of mine, none of which I am willing to give up at this point it time. Summer will come soon though, and a few of these commitments will cease, or lessen. I just need to trust that God will carry me through. And part of that is remembering that I have to be finding time to rest in Him. Not just rest, but rest in Him. I need a date with the prayer shack! But even more I need a date with the Creator of the world! He's calling me closer and all I have to do is surrender. Here I am Lord, take me.... ALL OF ME!

I love it when I'm immature...sense the sarcasm

After working so hard at facing conflict head on, and dealing with it when it comes to me, last night I decided to run from it. And I probably hurt someone (as in Samuel) in the process. Probably a lot. I was too "busy" to deal with it, when in reality I had more then enough time to talk it out and it would have been fine. I don't want to be like that anymore! I'm done with running from conflict. Or at least I thought I was. Could I handle Ignite's worship team next year? What is my life going to be like senior year?

This is what God is saying to me:
"DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT!"

me:
"oh....yeah....I forgot..."

God:
"are you going to trust me?"

me:
"YES! that is what I want to do! I want my life solely in Your hands, not mine."

God:
"then do what I ask of you"

me:
sheepishly "ok"

pukeness

okay, so I'm not puking

but i am sick

I worked this morning from 6:30 to noon

I almost fainted the whole time

then I went home

had soup

took nyquil

and I was out till 4:30

it felt absolutely amazing

but i'm still sick, and I should be in bed right now

i'm putting it off

mainly because i need to take more nyquil

and i have nyquilphobia

and I'm on worship team tomorrow

I have to be there in 9 hours

so I should sleep right about now

I hope I'm better by tomorrow

I also have to work for a few hours

and monday I have to work

early

4:30 to 7

bah

I kind of hope there is no ignite on monday

I hate being sick

I miss my mommy

my daddy is amazing

he bought me a whole medicine cabinet worth of medicine

I almost cried

He also said he would cosign a loan for a car

yay

that makes me happy

I can't wait to hug Anna

24 days..........

brrr.....no heat =(

It is quite interesting that losing power ends the world
no hot food
no heat (unless you have a fireplace, but even then it's minimal)
no internet
no class
no gas
and the list goes on forever

Plus I'm sick, bah.
And basically it's only parkland and beyond that does not have power
tacoma is fine, university place is fine, and I think even lakewood is good
it's just us people on the outskirts that have to suffer

and if you're wondering how I'm on the computer, typing this up, well, I'm at my mom's. I decided I needed to warm up a bit.....except my mom never has her heat on, and I don't have time to wait for it to warm up, so I'm COLD still....

But the weekend will come, and it will be grand. Cause I'll be sleeping as much as I can (hopefully it's a lot) but I do have to work saturday, sunday AND monday (4:30 to 7) pooh....and I'm working like 8 hours on tuesday.

I can't say no
bah

it's true: if you're attacked, it means you're doing something right

Prayer was great last night. We were in there from 9 to midnight. How cool is that? For the first half hour we sang kiddie praise songs (i've got the joy joy joy joy down in my heart, where?). Then we sang some real worship songs. Then we prayed over each other and got cool pictures for each other and prophesied. it was great.

As soon as I stepped out, Satan started attacking. Samuel prayed over me that things would be broken off (wounds, hooks, etc). It felt good to feel them coming off. But then Satan used one of my best friends to grab me again and open a wound that they already knew about.

Why is it the little things that get me down?

One thing Samuel said is that I have people around me fighting for me. Well, sometimes it feels like some people fight against me, even the ones that are closest to me. Do you not remember that I have these wounds in my heart, deep down? Why reopen them? I could fend off attacks from people that I don't know very well, or people that I dislike. But my closest friends?

And this is what sets the tears off. After everything that we talked about without me crying, it's this that brings the tears in a flood.

I'll say it again: it hurts me deeply when people interrupt me. It tells me that what I have to say is not important, and therefore, I'M not important enough.

These are the times I want to crawl back in my shell, keep my heart behind a wall, and put on my face that says "I'm okay, I'm happy, no need to discuss my issues, cause they're all dealt with"

Now I'm off to work, to put on a good face, and act like my life is amazing, cover the wounds, and forget about them.

happy valentines day to all (even the singles)

Can someone tell me why I would be stupid enough to watch The Notebook on Valentines? I only watched part of it but....wow.... what a story. But at the same time, it's not the story I want. The summer Noah and Ally spent together, I'm sure was amazing. All that passion, all that love, all that youthful energy. But where did it get them? Heartbroken for 7 years. And that heartbreak caused them to break others hearts as well.

But when I get married, that is the kind of passion, love, and energy I want. I know that whoever it is I get married to will be amazing. Just like Noah and Ally, our fights will be intense and furious, but so will our love.

Whoever you are, my future husband out there, I love you, and I always will. I cannot wait to experience your love for me, and I cannot wait to show you my love for you. You are amazing, I know, because God promised me an amazing guy.

I heart you, my valentine.

Me, a worship leader?

My dreams are coming true.
Yet my insecurities hold me back.

I guess I should probably explain.

Sunday night at the leadership meeting for Ignite, Dan told Wes that he should be thinking about a worship leader for next year, since Wes is a senior. I pretty much wanted to shrink into my shell and make sure that no one would ask me.

The next day I started praying about it. I told God that I was scared. Scared to lead my peers into His prescence for fear that I would fail. I was scared that I wasn't good enough for the job. I was scared that my unconfidence would show.

Then God said that I'm not good enough for the job. I can't do it. ON MY OWN. Oh yeah, there's that being dependent on God thing again. Guess what? God calls the scared, the hurting, the inadequate, the unconfident, the humble. You wanna know why? So that HIS NAME can shine.

So when I was praying about it, I asked God to prepare me for what He wants me to do, whether that is to be supporting like I've always done, or lead like I know He's called me to.

That night, Wes asked me to pray about being the worship leader next year. I told him I already had. So basically, I'm going to be leading worship next year, but only be God's grace, confidence, ability, and wholeness.

I was listening to Nichole Nordeman today, and one of the songs really touched me, but not until it had been in my head for a few hours. I started paying attention to the words I was singing:

What was meant to fulfill only emptied me still
And all You ever wanted was
Only me
On my knees
Singing holy, holy
Somehow all that matters now is
You are holy, holy

That is all God wants of me. He wants me humble, on my knees, acknowledging His holiness, His greatness, His power, His perfectness, His glory.

It's truly all about Him.

just to let everyone know....

4 WEEKS TILL ANNA COMES!!!!

I CAN'T WAIT!!!

stressed, blah, and bi polar

I'm going crazy. I know I have something to print up....but I don't remember what it is!!! And I'm frustrated! and stressed! and I have a million things for homework I have to do this weekend, and my housemates and I are going away from saturday to sunday. I get out of school today at 1:35, then I'm going to my friends house to see her baby, then I'm going to coach swim team, then I'm going to a meeting at church, then I'm going home to do some homework before I drop in bed. Tomorrow I'm working from 6:30 to noon, then we're leaving at 3 to go wherever the hell we're going, then we're gonna be gone until 6 pm sunday night, then I'm meeting with a girl from my stats class to work on our project, then I'm going to the ignite meeting, then I'm gonna try and knock out some more homework that's due monday.

someone shoot me

WHAT THE HELL WAS I SUPPOSED TO PRINT UP! DAMN IT!

We should have done this weekend thing next weekend....maybe I'll ask my housemate about that, seeing as how none of us have school on presidents day.

grr.....

As far as personally, emotionally, spiritually I'm spent, burnt out, blah, etc... I feel like my high is just manic craziness, my low is me being sarastic and bitter, but most of the time I'm just BLAH. come on, the sun's out, I need to be excited! but i'm not. i'm just blah.

And now I need to go to class

eff it all

Words from God

I let out things last night. Things I thought I was done working on. Things that hurt. Things I have forgotten for a long time. God spoke some interesting things. "Give Him your hand, Nikki," "Take a bite of the steak," and many other things. Then me saying, "WHAT? HOW THE HELL DO I DO THAT?" and the other saying "I don't know, that's all God told me." urgh...

I was praying this morning about surrendering and how do I do that, and how do I do anything God has asked me to do, and how do I allow God to take it all and make it better, and heal me! He said "tell me your story." sound familiar, dooley? ya, my turn in the prayer shack.

One thing that struck me last night is that I had this feeling that everything I've ever gotten healed from is coming up and facing me again. I felt like nothing I had ever gone through really happened. I felt like I was back to where I've been before with wounds and terrible pains that I had no idea how to deal with them. Well, God showed me this picture of hooks in skin. Then He pulled them out all at once. OUCH! It ripped the skin and the healing process would take way to long and possibly never fully get healed. Then he showed me the same hooks in skin. He slowly started to take them out. He started with one, and pulled just a little bit out. It hurt like hell. But then He stopped and let it heal a little bit. Then He had to pull a little bit more out, and again, it hurt like hell.

So, in short, God has a LOT to do in me, but I have to get to class.....it starts in 4 minutes! aaah!!!

some people....

I was in line at the bookstore today, minding my own business, waiting to buy my books, when my eavesdropping ears turned on. These two girls behind me were going from one topic to the next so fast that the only reason I could follow them was because I do that with a couple of my friends. Most of the topics were very surface type things. But then one of the girls started talking about a friend that was having a baby. Then it got to them talking about how they hated kids and didn't want one, unless it was when they were 30 and even then, they would only have 1 or 2 kids. Then my attention was caught by something else, but all of a sudden I heard something to the effect of it's not a baby anyway, it's just a ball of cells.

WHAT?!?!?!?!?!

How dare you say such an atrocious thing! How dare you treat human life so horribly! I almost started crying right in the middle of the store. I can't believe what people have come to these days.

There's my rant for the day.