continuing on, piecing the puzzle together

I have come to some realizations. I'm not sure how to explain them though. One of them is that I can have a relationship with God without depending fully on other people. I think church had become *too* important in my life. I wasn't taking my relationship with God seriously; I was taking my relationship with church seriously. I don't need to wait until I can talk to someone about my problems. The only One that matters is listening all the time, 24/7. I had the best day today because I was stressed out yesterday and I spent time with Him. He spoke to me. Even when I felt I couldn't believe anything He said. He still spoke. And I still listened. And then I slowly found myself believing. There's no reason I did. I just did because I *knew* He was telling the truth. There's no reason I can say that. I just can.

It's truly crazy. But I've decided that I will be a fool for Him all because He asked me to. He came and made a fool of Himself for me. He deserves the same from me.

missing "the old days"

I'm looking back on my college days...which only ended a month ago...and it makes me miss it so much. Maybe I don't do well with change like I thought I did. Maybe I like the thought of it, but not when the thought becomes action. I'm in that in between place where I don't know where I'm going to be in a month. I don't know where I'm going to be in 6 months. It would be great if I would just figure it out. I need that sought after first full time adult job. I'm looking, searching, waiting. I've decided something though: I want to be in the professional world. I want to get into a company I love and then work my way up and in the meantime, get my BA in business. I want to be a professional. At least for now. It sounds exciting and challenging to me, and that's EXACTLY what I need right now! I've done counseling and helping and teaching all my life. I want a change!

self realization

It's really hard to learn something about yourself that you never wanted as a part of yourself

It's really hard to realize that you have fallen into the same pattern you told yourself you were never going to do again

It's really hard to see a friendship slipping quickly from your hands that you know is an unhealthy one

It's always the same. And yet I always go into it thinking it's going to be different this time. Apparently I don't know how to have close guy friends without screwing everything up. I allow myself too close. This time it was supposed to be different. I told myself it had to be different. This guy was different. This guy had no interest in me rather than to just be a friend. It's interesting what happens when a friendship is completely selfish on both sides. I used him to make me feel better. I was there for him, he was there for me. Maybe things will end up being okay, and he has no idea that anything is going on in my heart. But I can't living like this. I keep telling myself that I am not ready for a real relationship so I'm acting as unattractive as possible to the guy I actually want to be with forever. That way I don't have to commit, cause he (whoever that is) won't want me. Then I get scared that he's actually going to love me unconditionally. I get scared that I will let him down and hurt him more than anyone else ever has. It's true that the ones who you love the most are the ones that can hurt you the most. It's the fear that keeps me wide awake in the middle of the night; when the expectations are too great and the bar gets raised too high.

I trust Jesus. I know that He will always be there for me. I know that He loves me. That's all that matters. It's easier to serve Him on sunday morning and the times I open my bible and spend time with Him. I wish it was that easy all the time...

The Ragamuffin Gospel ~ Part 3

Well, here is part 3. It has taken me a while to continue on reading the book because I've been busy with the whole searching for a full time job thing. But here it is!

"Experiencing God's love in Jesus Christ means experiencing that one has been unreservedly accepted, approved and infinitely loved, that one can and should accept oneself and one's neighbor. Salvation is joy in God which expresses itself in joy in and with one's neighbor."

I find it interesting that just for the fact that Jesus loves me without actually doing anything, makes me want to be a better person. The fact that *I* have been accepted, approved, and infinitely loved makes me want others to feel the same way. It's not because I feel some self entitlement to "save" people, I just want others to experience Jesus' love that cannot be explained.

That was short. I must go finish sending in my resume to the different jobs I'm looking at. Pray for me!!

me, an atheist? NEVER

I realized something about myself today.

I am confident in my faith in Jesus Christ.

What an amazing revelation. I was discussing why I believe in a God who is a real being and not just an idea with a coworker. He was basically telling me (in the nicest way possible) that my beliefs were stupid and pointless. He asked me, "If you died and there was nothing after and no god, would you still say your life and all you did for God was worth it?" Without a pause I said, "yes." I almost couldn't believe myself. I actually said yes. I was being looked down on because of my relationship with Jesus and I didn't care. I told him about my experience at the Soul Survivor camp. Basically, it was that I *felt* God's love for me. There were no words to really explain it but I did my best. I couldn't believe I was sharing such a vulnerable piece of my life with this person. But I wanted him to know about situations that are unexplainable without God. If there is no God, I was standing there crying because of NOTHING. If there is no God, praying is just talking to yourself. If there is no God, I am insane.

It made me think about how I am living my life. If I'm not living with everything for God, than living at all for Him is pointless. If I'm going to be a fool for Him, being sort of a fool some of the time is again pointless. But if I'm living with everything, being a completely insane fool for Jesus, than my life will be worth it.

There are times when faith and common sense do not align
And hardcore evidence of You is hard to find
I am silenced in the face of argumentative debate
And it's a long hill it's a lonely climb

Cause they want proof
They want proof of all these mysteries I claim
Cause only fools would want to chant a dead man's name

Maybe it's true yeah
I would be a foold for You
All because You asked me to
A simpleton who's seemingly naive
I do believe
You came and made Yourself a fool for me

I admit that in my darkest hours I asked what if
What if we created some kind of man made faith like this?
Out of good intention or emotional invention
And after life is through there would be no You

Cause they want proof of all these miracles I claim
Cause only fools believe that men can walk on waves
Maybe it's true

I would be a fool for You
All because You asked me to
A simpleton who's seemingly naive
I do believe
You came and made yourself a fool for me

Unaware of popularity
Unconcerned with dignity
You made me free
That's proof enough for me

I would be a fool for You
Only if You asked me to
A simpleton who's only thinking of the cause of love
I will speak Jesus' name
If that makes me crazy, they can call me crazed
I'm happy to be seemingly naive
I do believe
You came and made Yourself a fool for me

It's amazing how much Nichole Nordeman's songs have explained exactly where I'm at.

Triple chocolate ice cream is the greatest way to end the day

So far I have had a breakdown every day this week (meaning monday and tuesday). Let's see if the streak continues. I'm just gonna assume it will until I get a job and move out on my own. Let's just hope the breakdowns stay in the safety of my home and not at work.

Now I'm going to go to bed and watch Moulin Rouge for the third night in a row. It's amazing. Tomorrow night I might just mix it up and watch Rent. It's also amazing.

Potential place of employment: University of Washington, Seattle. I will move up there in June or July if I do get the job. I will live with someone who will not be named right now...you know who you are ;-) We will spend way too much money going dancing all night long! love ya!

God speaks

I was at church today. It was really good. There's something I realized about myself a long time ago and that's that I cannot be away from God for any period of time. I always come back. I always become so extremely desperate because truly, nothing else satisfies. I have tried. It doesn't work. "This world has nothing for me, I will follow you." I mean the first the part. The second part is hard. But I'm trying.

One of my good friends that I haven't talked to in a while saw me at church and told me that I looked beautiful. She said that's probably because God's doing something on the inside and it comes out on the outside. I don't FEEL that way at all! I was praying just now about how can I be beautiful when I feel so awful? Then God reminded me of a song. The chorus goes like this: "You called me beautiful when you saw my shame. And you put me on the wall anyway." The wall reference is because she is talking about being like a painting. God created it, of course He's going to call it beautiful! And He still says I'm beautiful, even when He sees my shame. And He wants to display me? I'm trying to believe Him, I really am.

The Ragamuffin Gospel ~ Part 2

"In essence, there is only one thing God asks of us - that we be men and women of prayer, people who live close to God, people for whom God is everything and for whom God is enough. That is the root of peace. We have that peace when the gracious God is all we seek. When we start seeking something besides Him, we lose it."

How have I been okay with seeking something other than God? I have seen it, felt it, experienced it. But somehow I want to search outside of that. Obviously it hasn't given me peace or at least not realy peace, I've already experienced that, I know when it's real and when it's fake. The eternal predicament of humanity is searching for something that we can touch, taste, feel, hear, and see. Touching someone's hand interlocking fingers, tasting the bitterness of alcohol, feeling the warmth of the person next to you, hearing the music through my iPod, seeing the movie being played on tv. I can't hold God's hand, I can't taste what He can give me, I can't feel His warmth, I can't hear His voice as I can someone on earth, and I can't see His face. There are things that God has placed on this earth to show us what He is like but that sure isn't what I've been experiencing. I've been experiencing the distorted version of creation that has been put in front of me, and all around me.

side note: I was going to write that Satan has put this distorted version of creation in front of me, but I'm kind of tired blaming all my faults on the fact that Satan has taken it upon himself to attack me. Satan is not omnipresent like so many christians have acted like he is. He's too busy with other people who actually have power and are willing to serve him.

Back to the point ;-) God's peace is much better than anything else I've experienced and somehow I become insane (doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results). I keep trying to experience something else that is physical so that I can be fulfilled. I'm still working this out, trying to figure out how to be okay with only being satisfied spiritually...

Ragamuffin Gospel ~ Part 1

I'm in the mood to write. I decided New Years Day was my day to catch up on reading. Not anything specific, I just haven't read for fun in a long time. Plus I'm kind of in a spiritual funk so I decided to pull out Ragamuffin Gospel. Perfect for a time like this. The title says part 1...who knows if there will be more than one part but I thought I would keep the option open :-) Within the first 4 pages, I already have something to muse about so here it is.

"Why am I afraid to dance, I who love music and rhythm and grace and song and laughter? Why am I afraid to live, I who love life and the beauty of flesh and the living colors of the earth and sky and sea? Why am I afraid to love, I who love love?"
~Eugene O'Neill in the play The Great God Brown

I become this person. The kind of person who is afraid to do what she loves. Another section of this chapter talked about how people live lives of monotony. That has been me since Thanksgiving break. I have had more "fun" (world's fun) than I have had all year, and people who do not understand Jesus would say that I've had a blast. It has already become old for me. People really do this every weekend for years? I can't understand that. It has left me completely empty and void. I became the kind of person that I've looked down on.

I think everything in my life is connected. The quote in red sufficiently explains where I'm at. I am afraid to dance, to live, and to love. I'm afraid of being hurt.

I have been around many people in the last few weeks that I *know* God has put in my life for me to be His love to them. I felt like such a hypocrite trying to explain God's love to one of my 16 year old coworkers when I was completely rejecting it. Explaining it made me realize what I've been missing and what I've given up to live my life as I have been.

Patterns are hard to break out of, especially if you're not sure you want to break out of it....