Is it bad that there are 5 different guys that I would say yes to if they asked me out?

I don't want to just survive

I had a conversation with my step brother tonight. Over a smoke. We were just talking about life and all the crazy things we've done. Then I asked him if I could ask a serious question. I asked him what his relationship is like with God and if there is one. He said "God's there but I'm just trying to live my life then die and go to heaven."

Then I realized that for the past couple of days I have been living like that. I just never said it out loud. What he said slammed me in the face. I realized how hopeless and depressing that sounds.

But the problem is I'm not sure where to go from here. I don't want to live like that. But I'm not sure I have the motivation to get anywhere else. I've heard it said that to live in abundance you have to think that way, even if it's not physically true because, spiritually, things change. The problem is, my mind can't think that way right now. It's hurting too much.

So where do I go from here? I guess, somehow, trust that God has everything in the palm of His hand and believe that He loves me beyond anything I can imagine. Somehow, someway, I will get out of this. Then I'll be good. Then I'll be back into it. Because that's the pattern of life. The ups and downs, the ebbs and flows, the backs and forths. That is what makes life livable. If I was always living in the clouds and on the mountaintop it would be boring. Living in the valley is what makes the journies to the mountaintop enjoyable. Living in the city is what makes the country so freaking amazing.

I don't know what will happen next but right now, I'm alive and that's amazing. Right now I have friends. Right now it's Christmas. Right now I'm with family. That's all that matters. I will live life one day at a time and hope that God has something better for me tomorrow and the next day. I can choose to whine about what I don't have or I can choose to be amazed at what I do have.

I feel so much better.

I'm depressed

and i'm pretty sure it's my fault

but it still sucks

I have decided I'm just not going to sleep until thursday. I slept about 3 hours last night. I'm at work right now. Then I have a final at 3. Right after the final I will be finishing my 5 page french paper on immigration in belgium (that one's for you, Anna!). Then after the paper is done, I will be studying my ass off for my next final which is on thursday morning. I will have a select few study breaks on wednesday inluding teaching a piano lesson, coaching swim team, and possibly going to youth group.

I can't wait for school to get out. I don't think my brain is working right now for lack of sleep. Good thing we get to bring in a cheat sheet for the test.

my likes change everyday so here's a list of todays

-curly hair
-the fray
-the smell of my roomate cooking fajitas
-that one boy
-ice water
-singing with a raspy voice
-getting paid to sing
-not having enough to cover a check but knowing that God will take care of me
-giving Emma a big hug
-letting 7 year olds make me laugh
-the fact that I haven't used my parent's birthday gift
-hearing from God
-hearing my french teacher tell me that I have good ideas for my paper

I forgot how amazing it was to turn on the heat full blast with the windows rolled down in 40 degree weather

I forgot how much it sucks to like someone so much and know that it's not in return

I forgot that I am afraid of commitment

I forgot that john mayer makes me wanna curl up in a little ball and sleep until school's out

I forgot how to enjoy life

I forgot that it's okay to have fun and be human

I forgot to embrace my humanness

I forgot to do my homework

I forgot to call friends that I haven't seen in a while

I forgot to live life at a slow pace so it doesn't end sooner than it has to

I forgot to spend time with Jesus

I forgot that it is almost christmas

I forgot that I really do love my family

Boy am I forgetful. But I have everyday of my life to remember

I think He can

Now that I've said that I want to be in a place where I need a miracle, God has put me in those places almost every day. I'm leading worship this weekend, friday night, saturday morning, and saturday afternoon. Holy moly. And I'm sick. Not a good combination. Oh, and then I only have one day to rest my voice because I lead worship every monday night. wow. God, I need a miracle. My voice needs to get better and stronger in 7 hours. I also need to get all the stuff done for my class today, and for dead week next week AND for finals. woohoo.

Talk about needing a miracle. But guess what? that's not in a discouraged tone. That's with joy because I KNOW God is coming through for me! I just have to believe it.

.....i think i can i think i can i think i can........
.....i think He can i think He can i think He can.....