boo-yah

I'm psyched for this weekend....but there won't be a chance for me to sit....just to sit. I've got work, I've got church, I've got homework, I've got church meetings...I wish I could live under a rock, just for a little bit so I don't have to hang out with anyone so I can get all my homework done. But for some reason, this is *exactly* where God wants me! Living off God's strength, that's my motto this semester! I don't know when I'm getting everything done, but slowly God is teaching me to be a bit more loose, not so tight wound. Just go with the flow, Nikki! Take what comes at you! Give Me your worries and your weakness. Guess what? I'll exchange it for treasures and strength!

Yeah, that's right, I'm a princess. Boo-yah

......deep sigh of relief........

I have a few minutes to sit and chill. Yay. Then I have 3 days worth of french home work to do. Not yay.

Things are happening. I am changing. I don't know how. All of a sudden I'm getting compliments. I've gotten used to being the 2nd. I'm okay being the supporter. I love being in the background. Now, God is forcing me out. Upwards and onwards. I realized something, though. I went to pray with some girls last night at ignite and I decided that I don't want to be the leader that goes and prays for people because they feel pressure to do that, or they *have* to do that. I want to go and pray for people because I care about them. This girl I prayed for, I met about an hour before that. Already I realized that I cared about her. She is an amazing girl, and I can see God working in her already. I can't wait to get to know her, not because I want to make her into a project, but because she's awesome and because she has something that I need. I don't know what that is, but that exists in every friendship. She has something I need, and I have something she needs. I pushed myself out of my comfort zone, and gained a friend. What else can happen when I pull myself out of what is easy?

If I'm where I am now, what's going to happen in 5 years? I look back 5 years ago, and I was a naive, insecure, young girl. I've gone through shit in the last 5 years. But look who I have become because of it. Not in spite of it, *because* of it. It is a part of who I am, and I will never look back with regret or disdain, but with joy and hope. Going through everything I have gone through has made me resiliant and tough. And yet, somehow I have managed to keep a hold of the softeness.

that's all for now. je dors mes devoirs!

The weirdest thing happened the other day....I got my computer fixed and then we got the internet hooked up and, turns out, the internet is in french! The first thing that pops up on the web is MSN from Belgium. Somehow I must have done that....who else would have?

what a life....

So I thought to myself, should I title this "what a day..." no, didn't have that much of an interesting day. Then I said to myself, how bout "what a week...." well, that wouldn't have been true either, because there is still 5 days left of the week. Then I thought to myself how bout "what a year...." nope, this year isn't too much of a difference to last year. Then I realized to myself, what a life. What a life I have been living. It may not be to everyone's liking. To the "right" I'm a dirty-mouthed, drunken partyer. To the "left" I'm a stuck up, innocent christian girl who doesn't allow her pleasures to have their way.

I guess I'm someone who doesn't let rules control her. I'm also someone who doesn't let my pleasures control me. Is sitting in the middle bad? I feel like for all my life I'm riding the balance. The balance, not the fence. I see the good in both sides. I'm liberal, yet I'm conservative. I'm loud, but I'm quiet. I'm organized, but entirely messy. I've been the youngest, and I've been the oldest. I'm studious and lazy. Has there ever been anyone as confusing as me? I even confuse myself. Am I lucky to see the gray? Or is everyone else lucky that they see in black and white, or only see the good in letting in to your pleasures. Am I still "finding myself?" Yes. I've struggled with that, but a preacher once said that our focus should not be on our identity. It should be on Christ's identity, and my identity will naturally fall into place. Because who am I? I'm a Christian. Christ-like. Lover of Jesus. That's who I am.

late night homework fun at the library

I just had a rousing discussion with my roomates about
why guys wear their pants down to their knees
life should be a musical
reading a textbook that reads like a dirty magazine
apparently, to the scholars of this world, it's okay to be a guy or a girl or neither, or change between the two, or have lots of sex with lots of different people at the same time.

As much as I am not super ultra conservative, I am definitely *NOT* a liberal. Nuff said.

And now I have 1 hour and 10 minutes before the library closes. Maybe I should get to that homework thing.

I love my life (not a bit sarcastic)

Well, stress has already begun. But instead of shutting down, I'm taking it as a learning experience. The way I see it, I may not ever be this busy in my life (unless having kids is more busy than this.....which it probably is) so basically this time of life is training. For everything. For my career. For my "ministry" (whatever that entails). For my sanity. For my marriage. And so on and so forth.

I have 3 hours to write a 300 word french paper. Ready...set...go...

Don't let me complain because I love my life.

Cold. Hard. Refreshing

Do fathers ever change? Do they ever realize that they treat their kids like shit? I'm not a liason between you and your ex-wife, who, if you didn't realize by now, is my mother. My job is not to be yelled at when you want to yell at her. I am your daughter. Get that through your mind.

And stop asking me why I don't come over a lot. I've already told you that enough. Get it through you thick head.

I totally swear I had something to do, and I now I don't remember what it was. I dropped my tennis class.....I checked my e-mails....whatever.....

Today is friday. thus ends the first week of school. It's managable, I've decided. I love tuesday/thursday classes, cause that means I have 5 days between thursday and tuesday to get my homework done (which is mostly reading, some paper writing). I have my french class in 45 minutes, which, after studying, I actually am beginning to understand! yay!

Monday is the first Ignite. It's gonna be fun. I have the set ready, we're practicing on saturday (except for Chad), and hopefully everything will fall into place. Actually, it will, because God's in control!

For all the praying we've done this summer, I think we're expecting it to be really big. I don't think it's going to be. Part of me thinking that is that I don't want to be dissapointed. But at the same time, I know that something has happened in the spiritual realm. Something that we can not see. Something that is unknown to us. It's not necessarily going to happen on monday nights. I hope it does, cause I've worked so hard this summer for it. But if it doesn't, I can't be dissapointed. I just have to keep my eyes on Jesus, and keep following His plan for me.

Busy weekend for me.....
Friday:
Class
work
work
kareoke
Saturday:
football game
church (possibly)
practice
Sunday:
church (maybe)
homework
ignite meeting

okay, so I guess it's not THAT busy, but it'll be full.
My creativity is not here right now, please leave a freaking message....

stressing out....just a little

wow, looking over my french syllabus, I went crazy! It's gonna be a lot of reading, writing, and me straining my brain to understand what I'm reading, writing, and hearing the teacher say. It has been a whole summer that I have not had french, so I'm a bit rusty. But hopefully that will change very soon. If not, I'm dead meat!

That's all for now....I'm super busy, and I have to do some homework before I go to a meeting for the swim team I work for.

Good luck to me!

This phase of my life is characterized by the oldies

I've decided that oldies are what I have been in the mood for lately. I watched walk the line and ray in the last few weeks and I absolutely love their music. The next few cds I will get will be all oldies. I just got the walk the line soundtrack. I recently got Etta James. The next few cds will be Ella Fitzgerald, Elvis Presley, Ray Charles, and I'm going to do my research on the great jazz pianists. My goal for the next few years is to be a great jazz pianist. To do that I need time, and that's not what I have right now. But once I graduate, have my own house and my own piano, I will sit down at my piano for hours at a time with Ray Charles playing in the background. I will feel the music. I will be the music.

At times I wonder if music is better than anything else in the world.

Secrets, shame, and truth

There was an article on AOL news today. It was about a church called LifeChurch. They have a site (mysecret.tv) that people can post anonymously about their sins and addictions. There are hundreds of thousands of posts. I was really amazed when I found out more about the church itself. They aren't afraid of talking about things. They aren't afraid to tell the truth about huge issues. In one person's confession, he said that he was struggling with pornography, but he heard from a sermon that godly men do struggle with that.

That is what changes people's lives. When the light shines in those dark places that no one wants exposed. But then when the light is shown, they look around the room and see hundreds of people right next to them, stumbling around in the darkness. The stigma of today's church culture is that christians need to "shine the light." In our language it means "be perfect." It must all date back to the days when people had to pay to be forgiven. If it was a hidden sin, they wouldn't have to pay. So why not keep it hidden so that no one will know. We can even go further back then that. Adam and Eve. They were ashamed. Shame is what the enemy uses so often to cloud the truth. It's one of those choice things. You gotta choose to let it out in the open, even if fear is so gripping you can't move.

Facing your fear
Walking in humility
Embracing your mistakes
Accepting the fact that you are human
Placing yourself on the cross
Willingly being a sacrifice
Going deeper
Sharing your heart
Being in the world but not of the world
Finding the balance
Working out your salvation in frear and trembling
Living a life, holy and pleasing to God
Living your life moment by moment
Living in light of eternity
Loving God
Loving others
Loving yourself
Shining like the sun
Letting your weakness be His strength

None of these are cliches to me. They are real. I may not live up to them all the time, but that's what being human is. My favorite is finding the balance. So many times I find myself arguing between 2 extremes. Most of the time I'm right in the middle. Not just to be in the middle. Not just to make everyone happy. But I realize that I can't live in a church. I also can't live away from church. I can't always live life moment by moment, desire by desire, always here and now. But I also can't always live life looking towards eternity and heaven because then I forget to embrace the people around me.

Life is a process. I'm never gonna reach the destination, but I've realized that it's okay. In fact, I'm happy that I will never finish. I will run the race to win, but I will never finish the race. Not to say that I will quit, but I will forever be running, pursuing, trying to understand and catch the amazing God, Creator, Lover that continues to beckon me.