what an evening

::::sigh:::::

what an emotional overload.
sitting by the boy that makes me smile.
seeing pictures of PSCC family that are no longer family.
hugging people I haven't seen in a while.
hearing that Pastor Tom speaks highly of me.

that last one was a killer. there are so many aspects of all of this. i cried because i saw my step dad in a picture on the slide show. i cried because i saw my best friend's dad on the slide show. i cried when Lance and Pollie spoke highly of Tom and Ranae. i cried when many people spoke of what Tom and Ranae have done for everyone. partly sweet, partly bitter. it's true, i haven't healed. no one has. that lump of tears that i wrote about before? still there, stuck in my throat. and tomorrow i'm going to have to say goodbye to two more Isenharts. it's all too hard sometimes. but ready, set, go: sleep, then smile and sing Jesus songs, then hear more amazing stories about Tom and Ranae, and see all the slideshow pictures that made me cry and will make me cry again, then try and piece myself back together.

Cori Boyt is my hero.

my wish list

I wish....
i had time to play piano more
I wish....
i had the time to learn jazz piano
I wish....
i could marry a rich man so I could play piano all day
I wish....
i could play as good as mr chopstix
I wish....
music was my life

I live, I dream, I sing

You know how you plan (or at least I do) a couple years in advance. I know just where I'm going to be, and just what I'm going to do. Then something comes along and screws (or fixes) it all up. I had another conversation with my stepdad tonight about his terminal illness. I think after I graduate I'm going to move back in, not because I need to save money, not because I will have nowhere to go, but because I want to spend as much time with him as possible before he dies. And also to help my mom out when he does die. You know when you are about to cry, but it won't come out and it's stuck in your throat and it hurts like hell? Yeah, that's me right about now. The only reason it's not coming out is because I'm in my kitchen right now. As soon as I cuddle up under my covers, it'll all come out. He told me out of all his 7 kids, I have been his best friend. He told me he wants to be like me when he grows up. He told me he's proud of me. He told me not to marry a guy who won't die for me. Who wouldn't cry after all that?

too many guys, not enough of me

this has never happened to me in my life. i'm always a one guy girl. i like one guy at a time. then something happens and i stop. then a few weeks (or maybe months) later, i move on to someone else.

it's different now. and i'm trying to figure out why. 3 guys. head over heels. too much! life goes on I guess! I will look back at when I was 21 and laught at myself. I love doing that :-P

my little self is growing up

Today was a swim meet for the swim team that I coach. It was so much fun to help out all the 7 and 8 year olds getting ready for swimming. They were excited, jumping up and down, asking me all kinds of questions, hugging me, and being the coolest kids ever. Then the head coach (who I've known since I was 11 and basically like a dad) leans over to me and says, "how old are you?" I said "21." He said "do you realize in 5 years you will have graduated from college, started a career, gotten married and become a mother?"

oh.

my.

goodness.

basically my jaw dropped and my heart started to pound. and I realized that he was right. I'm grown up. I'm going to be a college graduate by the end of this year. I'm probably gonna be married in the next 5 years. and have kids. woah. smacked in the face with reality. it kinda stings.

snow...it's a bitch but so beautiful....kinda like me

get ready for long story. short version: snowing, me crying, not driving on ice very well, and almost dying.

Long version:
First off, the whole day yesterday i was wearing flip flops because i didn't have time to put real shoes on and i was out all day. i went to church and everything was fine. no snow, not terribly cold, etc. then i had to go to a meeting after church. we were in Lance's office and looking outside, it had started to snow. we didn't get out of the office until after 9. by then there were already 2 or 3 inches of snow. it took me about 5 minutes just to pull out of the parking lot. then i was driving on cirque which was a freaking nightmare. there were lines of cars between alameda and bridgeport. and my crying starts. i ended up turning around because there was no way i was going to get up the hill. so went to the gas station on cirque and orchard. filled up my gas tank. my phone was dead so i went inside and got change for a dollar so i could use a pay phone. i am an idiot and don't know how to work pay phones and lost my money. more crying. walked into the gas station, asked if i could use their phone and called my mom. had to pee like a racehorse (or pregnant mother lepoard with cubs) but the gas station did not have a bathroom (who does that?). My mom and step dad said they were on their way. an hour later, no parents. I went inside the gas station and as i was walking up, they lady that was working there said that my mom had called about 3 times. i called them back and they said it was taking them forever to get down cirque because of numerous cars not able to get up the hills. i went back to my car and then i decided that maybe i would try to put my chains on my tires. oops, wearing flip flops in the snow is not good. and not having gloves. gave up, threw the chains in my car, locked myself in my car and cried till my parents got there. i walked over to them, in the process, fell twice, cried more and realized that if i didn't get warm soon, my toes were going to turn black and fall off. left my car at the gas station, drove home, and the whole process took around 2 hours. by the end of the night, i was exhausted, cold, crying, and wishing i had a boyfriend to comfort me. then i watched the top 100 country love songs of all time. and cried a little bit more.

today, my car is safe and sound parked at my parents apartment. i am safe and warm in my parents apartment. i am not crying. and a boy called me today. it's all good.

"better to have loved and lossed then never to have loved at all"....it's true.

I'm falling. hard.
not away from God falling.
more like a guy.
and i know i'm gonna get hurt.
but i have to ask myself.
do i regret the guys that i have liked in the past?
do i wish i would have never had feelings for them.
because i got hurt?
no, i don't regret.
in the words of copeland.
if you fall in love.
fall in love and hold nothing back.
i'll fall in love.
fall in love and hold nothing back from you.
i'm gonna get hurt.
and i'm probably gonna cry.
and i'm probably gonna smile.
i might even get a kiss.
above all i will gain memories that i will never regret.
i will be a different person.
so here goes nothing.
i'm jumping in.
holding nothing back.
i want to see where God takes this, me, him.
where will i end up?
only time and God will tell.

do you know how freeing it is to realize that God truly is the only thing that sustains me? and that I don't really want a significant other right now? and that I don't need a boyfriend to make me happy?

It sucks when other people tell you that or you try to tell yourself that because it never works. but when God tells you that, it's pretty much amazing.

piano bars

I went to Chopstix last night. It was probably the best place I've been so far. I want to live there! It was fun to see Mike doing his thing. I gain more and more respect from him each time I play with him on worship team or see him play. It was funny to see him look at the songs we requested and he would frown at us and tear it up and throw it away. Donna walked in and while he was playing, she played with his hair. It was hilarious! He sat with us during his break and I guess Donna and Charisa told him it was my "belated" birthday. Yeah right. He said "make sure you don't put her name in the jar or else she'll be sitting up on top of my piano." It was great. I want my step dad to work there. He could totally pull it off. Once I get my bartending certificate I want to work there. That would be my goal. Either there or Jazzbones. Tacoma has some good bars and no one really knows it. Maybe I'll start my own. That would be fun.

I saw Karley there. It was good to reconnect. We decided that we are going to go out together. I have another 21+ friend to go out with! and at the end of the month Elisa's taking me out. I can't freaking wait! We're going to a dance club. I need to go shopping for something to wear!

Oh the joys of being 21. I'm sure I'll get over it but it's fun for now!

musings

Where is God taking me this year? In 2006 I did things that I never thought I would be able to do. Things like work 3 jobs and go to school at the same time. Or buy a brand new car. God took me to many places. Places of brokenness. Places of victory. He will continue the work in me. It's not done yet.

I saw a picture tonight. It was while I was praying. I was telling the Lord that I feel like I have gotten up out of the weird depression thing I was in but I keep falling into it. Then I saw myself in a mud pile. I was down and dirty and I tried to get up and walk but I kept falling. Then God told me that I was trying it on my own. I was going the way that God did not tell me to go. I was just diving into more slippery dirty mud. So He told me to get up and step sideways. Then I did and I was on firm ground! and it was under a waterfall. He washed me off and then told me to get up. I did and continued to walk.

Life sometimes becomes more complicated then it has to. And we make it that way. All we have to do is take the one little step that God wants us to take and everything will be okay!

Lord, keep me on Your path! Not the path I think you want me on. YOUR path!

Happy New Years!

I had a good night. I went to Forza coffee in Bonney Lake and hung out with Nate and Cori Boyt along with their sisters, Rachel and Becca. And who do I run into? A bunch of my Gig Harbor friends. Apparently, Brady Ives owns/runs the Forza in Bonney Lake. RANDOM! I saw Gabe Weber first. Gave him a big hug. He's one of those guys that we'll always run into each other randomly and chat for a while about family and everything. Then I gave Colby Burrows a hug. He's another one of those guys. He's probably one of my favorite guys. Not because we're best friends. Cause we never talk. But I've known him since I was 5. I grew up with him and Gabe and a ton of other guys that are amazing, and have stayed amazing (which is...amazing.....It's after 1, I'm tired). Then I gave Joey Hurlburt a hug. Haven't seen him in a while! Then it reminded me of Impact and how much I want to go back and visit again. As much as I disagree with some of the leadership of that church, the church itself (meaning the people) are quality. How many of my high school youth group friends are still involved with church and Jesus? not many. But from that church, most of them are leaders and pastors!

The reflection of last year will come soon. I don't have any reflection power right now since it's almost 2 am.