I'm bored at work....and Joy isn't returning my phone calls or text messages! Oh well, I'm sure she's actually keeping busy at that job of hers.

We keep saying that God is going to do a new thing. But are we really ready for it? Am I ready for God to break me? Am I ready for God to screw up what I believe? Am I ready for God to move me to the next phase of my life? You know, I can try and think what God is going to do, but doing a new thing is little too general a topic. There's a lot He could do in the coming school year, the one that's only 5 weeks away! That means I have 5 weeks to allow God to prepare me, not for what I think will happen, but for what God has planned.

It's nice to remember that God is bigger than my problems.

God is bigger than the boogie man
He's bigger than Godzilla or the monsters on tv
Oh God is bigger than the boogie man
And He's watching out for you and me

short conversation with the Lord

I am completely dissatisfied.
with what?
with church, with myself, with friends, with family
I will never fail
Thanks, I needed that.

jumping in...am I ready?

I'm sad for the people I used to know and respect. It makes me sad that 14 year olds are throwing their lives into drug, alcohol and sex. These are the kids that I love as if they were my own siblings. I would do anything for them....except change the choices they are making. I guess they have to make the choices themselves. It's hard to see people destroy their lives and know that they will regret it, or at least live with horrible consequences for it.

But they're living life. They're not afraid to make the wrong choices. And here I am, scared shitless about way too many things in life. I'm not saying I'm going to get pulled into the party life again. I'm saying that I need to jump head on into the things that scare me. I was scared about the whole party thing and instead of facing my fears, I ran away from it and it got worse. I can't do that this time. God wants me to jump in, with total abandon. Forget regret for life is yours to miss. Yay for R.E.N.T. I'm going to fall head over heels in love with Jesus. I'm going to jump in the river that will kill me if I try to fight it.

Take me for a ride. The ride of my life.

The crazy week of nikkinesss

I feel like this week has been 3 weeks in one! I don't even know what happened on what day! But I'll try my hardest....

On Sunday night, Samuel, Emily and I prayed for Ignite for about an hour, then Becca came over and we prayed for her. It was good. I already wrote about that one.

Monday night, a group of people (Bill Siems, Tracy Conaway, Susan Freeman and Phyllis Abrahmsen) came over and prayed for the Ministry House. It was such a blessing! It seriously rocked me. They started off all nice and calm, then all of a sudden they talked about how this year is going to be a challenge, and are we ready for that, and we are going to have to be held to a greater level of accountability because of what God wants us to do, etc. I jumped in and said heck yes! that's what I want, that's what I NEED. I can't be the leader that God wants me to be if I'm not being stretched, and challenged. PLU won't be impacted if I am satisfied at an easy level. We went into the Prayer Shack, and they spoke/prayed so many things that we've been praying through for months. It was such a confirmation that we really are hearing from God. I'm so excited about what God has for this year!

Tuesday night was an average night. I got off at 8 and went home and sat outside. I think Emily and Samuel came over....or maybe I just talked on the phone with Sarah....not sure!

Wednesday night was youth group. I spoke on Eph 3:16-19 and Romans 8:1. I saw some lights in kids eyes. Other ones (mostly the girls) were in their own little world. After church Samuel came over and we got ready for.....

ROAD TRIP!!!!

Thursday we went to Creation!! It was so cool! We went with Charisa and Wes. I knew it was going to be a great day when Wes said "Here's the plan: annoy Nikki the whole way to the Gorge." It's okay, it means I'm the center of attention, haha! We left at 5:30, got into mad traffic, then we arrived right at 9. We didn't hear the first set of United, but it was okay because they only played like 3 songs. We listened to the speaker, who had a really good word. It was about being a loser, laying your life down for Jesus, not being ashamed to speak out what God has done in your life. After that United played. They played for a good 45 minutes or so. Then Phil Dooley, the youth pastor from Hillsong spoke. His was a good word too. After he spoke, United played *AGAIN* for another 20 or 30 minutes. Then Phil picked up the mic again and said that they had more time, so they totally rocked out on the last 2 songs. I think the last song was All Day, but I could be wrong. They went wild on stage. They were jumping around, running around, playing off each other, it was so fun!

The thing that I liked so much about United was that they meant what they sang, and you knew it! A lot of youth group bands find songs that are the "cool" songs and have a cool guitar riff or whatever, but they haven't made that song personal. They just sing the coolest song and then they're done. With United, they know their stuff! They've written it! The truly believe everything they're singing it, every time they sing it. Plus they add the energy. They don't just jump around on stage for the sake of looking fun. They do it because they're excited to be used by God. They're excited about the songs they sing. They know them front to back. It gave me such a passion for leading worship at Ignite. IT's great to glean from other ministries such as IHOP, United, Hillsong, or Soul Survivor. It's also great to make Ignite's worship unique. I can take the initimacy from IHOP, the excitement from United, and the song writing techniqes from Soul Survivor. But I don't have to replicate what they do. I have to make it Ignite.

All in all, it's been an amazing week. The weekend will hopefully be a chill weekend, getting ready for our leaders meeting and worship team meeting on sunday night. I'm gonna jump in, with total abandon! "with arms raised and hearts abandoned" I think that's the line!

Jesus, we're livin for Your Name
We'll never be ashamed of You
Our praise and all we are today
Take take take it all
Take take take it all!

the attack begins, but I have Jesus on my side

it's the little things he gets you on.
The computer working slow
all the things I have to do today freaking me out
headache
anger at people who don't deserve it

And I just have to keep saying:
breathe, Nikki
Jesus loves you, Nikki
It's gonna be okay, Nikki
Let Him have it, Nikki
Be what your name means, Nikki

I have overcome the world for you, Nikki. I have overcome death for you, Nikki. I have overcome your fears for you, Nikki. You don't have to do it alone. In fact, you don't really even have to do it! I already did it. Accept it. Open your arms and receive. Receive the abundant life. Don't accept the desert. Live in abundance, in blessing. Don't look at the things past, behold I am doing a new thing. Something you have no idea of. Something dangerous, mysterious, beautiful, and amazing. Receive it.

I figured it was time for a new blog

Thursday, July 27th
Creation fest
2006
Hillsongs United
I'm gonna be there

That's right. I get a random call from Samuel and Wes telling me that I'm going to creation to see hillsongs united. I'm so there. I'm even getting work off. Sweet, huh? It's gonna be so worth it, but so stinking hott! If it's this hot on the western side of washington, how hott will it be at the Gorge? But I'm excited anyway. And I like hanging out with the guys. It's lessens the drama, ya know what I mean?

I had a great sleep last night. Joy and I prayed with Becca and we didn't get to bed until midnight or after! But I woke up feeling the most refreshed I've ever been. I had great opportunities today as well. I just felt that even though I may not have said much that had to do with God, I knew that He was in me, and it was a peaceful time at work. I even got to talk to my boss for a while, and I let him know that I was praying for him. It was the first time I've ever talked about my faith with any of my bosses. I hope it continues.

Keep it simple: Jesus loves you. Once you experience it, there's no turning back.

someday

I'm in a really big, antique house in North Tacoma. The kind of house that someone from my great grandparent's generation could have been raised in. And guess what:

There's a big fat liquor cabinet. Tequila, Vodka, gin, margarita mix, appletini mix, and too much more.

I was doing fine with this whole not drinking till I'm 21 thing. Now, not so much. I want to drink so bad. Why is that? Why am I so bent on drinking? Feeling the buzz. Being happy (key word being happy, not joyful). Because it's not joy. "He endured the cross, despising the shame for the joy set before Him." or something to that affect. Yeah, being a little tipsy on some alcohol is not quite what I would call joy.

I'm so good at giving up when I fight with myself, with my flesh. I let things slide, so easily. I allow temptations to seep in, knowing full well that I won't be able to handle it when it's staring me in the face. The Truth starts to speak quieter....or is it my ears that start to deafen against the Truth and listen intently on the lies.

Where is the innocent Nikki, who was so dissapointed in an older sister who would drink before she was 21. Where is the innocent Nikki who never wanted anything to do with alcohol. Where is she? I can't find her ANYWHERE. That little girl who thought that nothing could harm her because her parents were there to protect her. The little girl who believed wholeheartedly in every word that Jesus spoke.

Maybe I'll find her when I have my own little one....someday. I'll never be able to protect her from everything, and sometimes it's better to be faced with hardships. But I will try my hardest to prevent anything from happening to her that can be prevented.

Someday

and apparently the photos are still being waited for.....my parent's computer wasn't working right....I need to find a computer that will let me upload these pics!

the long awaited girls night out photos

all that matters

It's been a long weekend, which is good! But I feel like I lived a whole week in 3 days! Yesterday was fun; we went to the beach. It was one of those contemplative days, for all of us. God definitely spoke to me a bunch. The biggest thing He told me was to keep it simple. He told me to read John 3:16 and the surrounding verses. Jesus was speaking to Nicodemus at the time, and even the teachers of the Law didn't realize that it was that simple. God showed me that His main characteristic is Love. Everything else is a secondary characteristic. It all flows through His Love.

I got really sunburnt. Only my arms and legs though. My face is fine, my neck is fine, and my head is fine. The sand was really fine, so it was EVERYWHERE. After the beach we hung out with the Wolberts, and it was so great! We talked, we laughed, we joked, and then we realized that it was 11 o'clock. I had to be at work at 8 this morning, and Sarah was getting really tired, so we decided to get going.

We are going to try to pray tonight. It should be good fun. With all the things that God is speaking to us individually, it'll all come together hopefully when we pray corporately. I'm excited for what God is going to do, and I want to look at the future, and not be so worried about the details. Keep it simple. The other thing that God told me is when things are hard, temptation hits, or I start believing lies, all I have to say is "Jesus loves me." That's all that matters.

What's next?

I don't think my day could get any worse.

-that time of the month, when I want to scream at everyone, and I want to cry when I hear a sappy song on the radio
-I changed my outfit 10 times this morning
-I left my lunch at home
-and my keys (but I have my car key and my house keys on different sets, good idea! so I was able to get to work)
-I felt disorganized
-I was a total clutz, running into my desk, knocking things over

Then my mom gets a phone call. She starts freaking out and says "Heidi, hang up and call 9-1-1, and I'm on my way." I bolt up, tell my mom that I'm driving because she's freaking out too much, and then we're out the door. My mom tells me that Heidi said she thinks someone else is in my dad's house. My mom is hysterical, crying, trying to get a hold of my step dad. We end up getting to the house after the cops did, they are trying to get into the house but they can't because all the doors are locked. Then Heidi ends up coming out the door, and I gave her a HUGE hug. She said she heard doors open and close, she heard footsteps running down the stairs, she saw shadows moving under the door outside the room she was in. I swear it was spiritual. No one, other than my mom and step dad, get it. They just think it was a 12 year old girl hearing and seeing things. I don't believe in ghosts, or haunted houses, but I believe in weird things happening that we can't explain.

Afterwards, my mom and I went back to work, I finished what I was doing and then went home. I was home alone. Freaked out of my mind. Cried for a good 5 minutes. Fears came up from past experiences. Fears that my sister would go through something that would take her a lifetime to get healed from.

I can't let that happen

but I guess there's nothing I can do other than pray for my family that they stay safe. It's so scary though.

Now I have to go home and clean my house because I'm having a bunch of girls come over and stay the night. The worst day of the week, just HAD to land on today.

the weekend, good stuff

I complain about having nothing to do. I complain about all my friends leaving. But when I have a chance to go and do something, I decline, and sit at home, doing almost nothing. Lonliness is how I start a downward spiral. But I've realized that it's a choice. I don't have to be lonely if I don't want to be. But, like me and Joy have talked about, it's too easy to hold on to our chains. It's too easy to take back the things that we've given to God.

But I had a good weekend. Friday night was Sarah's birthday party and we saw Pirates 2. Good movie, but the ending sucked, because it wasn't really an ending! Then the next morning we watched the neverending story (yeah, for a 20th birthday party, go figure!). We went to Owen's beach after that, and I was at the point that I couldn't be with a group of people. Even though there were only 4 of us, it still somehow stressed me out. I was in the mood to be one on one. And I hadn't taken a shower that morning yet, so I felt gross. I was off in my own little world, not adding to any conversation...especially the one about church. I tried to stay out of it for the most part. I did give one little sentence thought, but then I was done. Then I went home, took a cold shower, and called Joy to see if she wanted to hang out. I thought it was just gonna be a short little hang out time. It ended up being about 6 hours. We went the energy conservation plant (I think that's what it is) on Grandview, hung out there in the little bit of shade we had. Then went to applebees. Then we went back to her house, talked to her "house mom" then chatted with Anne on the phone. I didn't get home until 11. Then on the way home I this weird feeling of lonliness came on me. I didn't get it. It was like I was back in september, wanting to party because I felt out of place, and supposedly that helped me find acceptance.

I still have a lot to learn

the best and the worst

In the past couple of years, every 4th of July has topped the one before it.

July 4th, 2004
Westport beach with Anna, Justin, Malia, Brandt, Chad, Lexie, Tom and Ranae.

July 4th, 2005
Tahullah (sp?) with Samuel and the interns

July 4th, 2006
Vashon Island with Samuel's family and a bunch of PLU/PSCCers (and Sarah, who doesn't fit into either of those groups, LoL)

This 4th of July really tops them all. Amazing firework show, hanging out with Sarah (I don't know when we have hung out on 4th of July!), hanging out with Jonathan, meeting Samuel's family, and the.....

CRAZY VAN RIDE

The day starts off with Samuel, Sarah, and I driving to the Wolberts to get the white van. At 2:45 we meet everyone, and we realize that there is not that much gas in the van. We decide that we don't have time to get more gas, and we think that it will last until southworth (on the kitsap peninsula, explanation will come later). We get on the ferry on time, and we head for Samuel's house. We get there, eat food (which was amazing, thanks to Samuel's mom), and listen to his brother Timothy as he shoots off fireworks. Around 8ish we decide to head down to the beach. We seat ourselves on some rocks, and almost get blown up as the dupeas, samuel, and jonothan decide to light off fireworks almost right in our faces! I yelled "stop, we're gonna get killed!" Jonathan's girlfriend says "we won't die. But we may lose an arm!" thanks, Brittany! The firework show started, and it was one of the coolest firework shows I've ever seen! Too bad it's his last year. Around 11:20 we head to the northside ferry, because the southside (aka point defiance) had the last ferry at 10. Vashon has a lot of hills, so the van wasn't doing so good, running out of gas. Of course, the worry side in me came out like none other! I prayed so hard! We were about to get to the gas station which was on the top of a hill, and we didn't know if we were going to make it! Everyone was yelling at the van, hoping we wouldn't have to push it up the hill. Finally, after what seemed like forever, we coasted into the gas station. Gas was 3.45 a gallon, so Samuel put 5 dollars in. It didn't even make the gas gauge move! We headed to the 12:05 ferry, which didn't end up leaving until 12:30. Southworth is another hilly little place, so, again, my worryness kicked in, and I was freaking out, praying my butt off! We headed to a gas station, paid 2.85 a gallon, $20 gave us a little over a quarter tank. We had to go through bremerton, port orchard, gig harbor, then dropped Maggie off at the point defiance ferry dock, because that's where she left her car. Then we went home. I got home at 2 and didn't go to bed until 3.

That was the best and worst 4th of July EVER.

Yes, I did give Sarah's mom
THE FINGER,
Thinking it was just Sarah in the car

OOPS

identity crisis

yeah, that's what i feel like i'm going through

identity crisis

definitely thought I knew who I was and who I wanted to grow up to become. I thought I remembered who God was and who He is to me and who I am to Him. God is speaking to me now, telling me who He is. I heard once that when we learn who He is, we see who we are because we are a reflection of Him.

I was depressed the other day, so I decided to read my bible (smart idea, huh?) I asked God what I should read. I thought He said Isaiah 49:11. Well, I thought, I'll try it, but I probably just thought of that because it close to Jeremiah 49:11. But I still felt that I should open up my bible to Isaiah. So I did. On the way there, my eyes fell to Isaiah 43. I stayed there for the rest of the time. Here I am, asking God who am I, what am I doing, what is wrong with me, what do You need to work on. Isaiah 43 is all about how God is our only Savior. He says I have called you by My name, and you are Mine. Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, I will give men in exchange for your life (Jesus maybe?). You are my witnesses and my servant whom I have chosen so that you may know and believe me and understand that I am He. Before me no god was formed, nor will there be one after me. I, even I, am the Lord, and apart from me there is no savior. I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more.

Wow. I sit down, waiting for God to forcefully pull me apart and hurt me, and He does exactly the opposite. He tells me that He remembers my sin no longer. He tells me He loves me. He tells me I was created to bring Him glory. He tells me that He gave me His Son because He loves me and He wanted my life to be saved.

That's the solution to my identity crisis. I am His sister, His bride. I have ravished His heart. I am His daughter, loved beyond reason. Loved with a love that surpasses knowledge. That's the solution, but now I need to get it from my head to my heart.