Sarah's right there when I need her...even from miles and miles away

"Once upon a time, there were two girls. One was short an blond, the other was tall and brown haired. and they were best friends from day number one, all the way to the end.

end of story.

i love you.

forever.

no matter what, or who, or where.

this i promise you.... "


Thanks Sarah, that made my depressing, stressful, hard day a little bit better =)

great...a sunny day is of no use to a depressed Nikki

It's easy to tell someone else to get over it
(whatever "it" may be)
but to actually do it yourself is a different thing

being depressed blows (or does it suck?)
I'm even depressed that I'm depressed when it's sunny out
meh
and I'm depressed that I have a million things to do
as far as school goes
2 tests
one french paper
and I guess that's all, but they are big tests, and a big paper
meh
am I going to prayer?
I dunno
I'd rather stay home and do homework
and stay depressed
it's all a catch 22
you're depressed
then you are too complacent to get out of it
so you get more depressed
which makes you more complacent
meh

ode to best friends

4 best friends

within a year being taken away from me

Anna

Sarah

Debbie

Linzi

still friends

but different

they live far away

Sarah is for sure that Washington is not her home anymore

My heart is breaking

I don't know when I'll stop crying

No one can ever replace them

That is the worst part

And at the same time, the best part

No one could ever be the same as them

They are unique

My best friends

They will always classify as my best friends

But they will not always truly be best friends like they used to be

And it hurts like hell

thoughts on being emo

I miss being emo
I like that style
I miss going to seattle and seeing shows
is that part of me over with?
I don't want to resurrect emo Nikki if I'm just trying to relive my past
that seems a little imature of me
but at the same time, I miss it so much!
I miss the style
I miss seattle and shows
I miss the group of friends that I was emo with
I miss people making fun of me cause they thought I was emo
I miss pretending to be annoyed when people called me emo
when in reality I loved it because people actually thought I was emo
I don't flow well with that whole crowd though
I'm not overly depressed
I don't write sappy emo songs anymore
I don't have the friends that I did when I was emo
Me and Sarah used to have fun dressing emo
I'm no longer friends with Adam, who I still call my brother, but I'm sure he thinks nothing of me anymore
I don't hang out with Harrison and Reuben

just a thought:
are there any "emo" kids older than adolescents who have truly found their identity?
are there any "emo" kids who aren't depressed?
are there any "emo" kids who are emotionally stable?

Maybe that's why I stopped being emo. I found who I was, I let God take my depression....I don't know about the emotionally stable thing....I've never been one to have my emotions in control!

so there you have it....I still miss being emo though

triple shot white chocolate mochas are supposed to keep one awake, not put them to sleep. why can't I be the person that won't fall asleep if I have caffiene in me. I have a paper to write!!!

White Chocolate Mochas are so emo

you can take as many steps as you want to the edge of the cliff, and you don't fall gradually. Once you get to the edge and you take the next step, you're gone. Or stuffing things in a box. You can stuff as much stuff in there, and it won't gradually fall out. Once you get it to the fullest it can get, it blows up!

That was me today. I have a problem with going to the edge, stuffing it all in until it comes out like a hurricane. I was at work, and something....I don't even know what it was....sent me over the edge. I called my boss and almost quit. I was crying, bawling, about all the stuff that I had stuffed in. All the busyness of my life crashed around me, blew up in my face. I've got to learn how to NOT do that! I never seem to know what is too much, until it's already too much then it's too late! We got it straightened out, but for me it's hard to stop crying. I've learned to keep it in and prevent it from coming out (unless something like the above happens) but when it starts, I haven't quite learned how to stop the tears. How embaressing: crying in front of my boss, in front of my coworkers, everyone watching me talk to my boss as I cry my eyes out, and then walking back and having everyone stare at me and ask me if I need a hug. I don't need a damn hug. I need to stop filling my life till I blow up!

I could list all the stuff I have to get TONIGHT but I won't because it's depressing. In short, I'm not going to prayer tonight, and I may have to stay up till 1 or 2 to get it all done.

I'm learning that God's not going to just take stuff when I ask Him to take it. There are sometimes when He wants me to get through it. Not by myself, definitely with His help, but He's not just gonna take it from me and let me live in comfort. Before work I asked Him to take all my stress, take all the things I had to do, and give me peace. When He didn't I got angry at Him. I prayed before I went to work; how could this happen? Well, why am I getting mad at the Creator of the universe. I made choices and I have to live with the choices. I can't just be let off and think that God will take care of everything. I have to learn how to get done what I promised to get done.

I am finished....on to my papers and homework and studying.

on missing people.....and love

people come and go
usually there are good reasons for that
so why be depressed about it?
I guess I've gotten over it for the most part
Until I see them,
or hear them,
or be reminded of what they meant to me

am I ready for the marathon wedding day?
The day full of love and romance?
The day full of heartache and bad memories?
I haven't enjoyed a wedding since my parents got divorced
I dread each one
so here I go
smile
be happy
try not to show the pain inside
because it's Mandy's day
and Hillary's day
I'm gonna be happy for them
and slide into the background

BRAVE

The gate is wide

The road is paved in moderation

The crowd is kind and quick to pull you in

Welcome to the middle ground

You’re safe and sound and

Until now, it’s where I’ve been

‘Cause it’s been fear that ties me down to everything

But it’s been love, your love, that cuts the strings

So long status quo

I think I just let go

You make me want to be brave

The way it always was

Is no longer good enough

You make me want to be brave

Brave, brave

I am small

And I speak when I’m spoken to

But I am willing to risk it all

I say your name

Just your name and I’m ready to jump

Even ready to fall…Why did I take this vow of compromise?

Why did I try to keep it all inside?

I’ve never known a fire that didn’t begin with a flame

Every storm will start with just a drop of rain

But if you believe in me, that changes everything

i love today

SEATTLE BABY!!!!
and frou frou
and sun
and road trip with joelle
it will all make for a great day today

i like oatmeal cookes...without the raisins!

I think I'm in love

.sigh.

after 10 years, and no chance you'd think I'd be over it

I wish I could marry him

and have his kids....cause they'd be super cute

I'm such a girl

I miss my LA friends

I want to see Samuel's hair

and Eddie's hair

I feel like I've missed out

but at the same time, this is where God wants me

but I'm struggling

I wish it were easy

I wish I could just go to an amazing church service and decide that I want to go there

instead of PSCC

the service tonight at Impact was great

Greg Mira basically repeated everything that we've been saying in our desperation times

But there was a reason my parents left that church

Now I just have to figure out if I agree with my parents descision

Or if I want to go back

I like the people there

It was good to see them again

but do I want to be submitted to that authority?

I don't know

Is it where God wants me?

I don't know

Is PSCC where God wants me?

I don't know

I was talking with my parents

I love their advice.

but I said that all I want to do is just get married, and have kids

I don't want to make descisions just for myself anymore

I want to make descisions with my husband for us and our kids

I want to stay at home and just be a mom

Now if at least 1 of the endless amounts of guys that I would marry would realize that I'm AMAZING (and humble, haha)

then I would be married in a heartbeat!

~*~HELLO~*~

OLD friends/GOOD friends

I love reconnecting with old friends
and when i say old friends, I mean OLD friends
friends from 15 years ago!
Lacie
Ben
Jared
Joel
Noel
I could go on for days!

I wonder who I would be if I still went to Impact
would I "famous"?
would I be leading worship there?
Is there a reason that he's been leading worship since he was 14 and I have just started?

stop comparing, Nikki
what?
you are just where I want you
but he seems like he's doing so much more than me
are you jealous?
I don't want to be, but I think I am
can I change that in you?
yes, you can
are you going to allow me to change that in you?
yes Lord, I want to do Your will!!! Not my own, and not someone else's
You are in My will right now, do not second guess yourself
.sigh of relief. okay God

a bright sunny day in march

i feel like crying

but it's not the sad crying

it's the happy-it's-sunny-outside-i-love-life-refreshing

type of crying

today I have nothing to do

except clean my room

clean out my car

and coach swim team

i love spring break in tacoma

and i'm stoked that Anna gets to share it with me

but i wish sarah were here to share it with me too

charisa is the greatest roomate/house-mom ever

she wrote Amber and me verses and encouragements on notecards the other day

"Now that your belong to Christ, you are the true children of Abraham. You are his heirs, and now all the promises God gave to him *belong to you*"

"Now you are no longer a slave but God's own child. And since you are *His child*, everything he has belongs to you."

I think the sunnyness of today warrants a drive to Point Defiance and a run on the beach. I wish I had company....

TLC

don't go chasin waterfalls
please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to
I know that you're gonna have it your way or nothing at all
but I think you're moving to fast

dancing

I love listening to music
especially music that makes me dance
even if it's just fluff music
like:
ciara
hilary duff
shakira
beyonce
sara evans
and more

It's a great way to start spring break!!!!
I just wish I could have a dance party with my best friend!
I miss you Sarah!!!!
I miss our dancing!!!
and I decided I need to date/marry a guy who can dance
and teach me to dance
in a club
a hiphop club
a salsa club
and just at home when we're having fun

that's what I want to do on a first date: CLUBBING!!!!

and again, it is a blaring reality that MUSIC IS MY LIFE

spring break has just begun...

how lame am I.... My friends have been gone for 2 days, and I already miss them! Oh yeah, and Samuel didn't show me his mohawk before they left!!! He's in trouble. He better have it when he gets back.

So I was angry this morning..... and God gave me a verse that pertains very well to the way I was feeling and acting

Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Phillipians 4:5-7

spring break, here I come!

My first thought in waking up this morning: The Dream Center team has already left. I went last year, and it was an amazing experience, and I wish I could have gone again, but God had different things in mind. Another hard thing about spring break is that most of my friends are gone! They all get to go home and see their friends over break. This is home, and I don't have any close friends here! But now Anna's back. It happened just at the right time! Now, not only am I not stressed, but I have my best friend here to hang out with! So it all evens out. Plus, I get to visit friends that I haven't been able to visit, like Debbie. I'm excited to see her cause I haven't seen her since before christmas! that's like 4 months ago! wow, I'm a pretty sucky friend! I'm also a busy friend, and it's so much easier to hang out with people who live 5 seconds from me.

Hmm, what am I gonna do this week?

I love Norah Jones

hello anna!

I'm leaving soon
to go to the airport
to pick up my best friend/sister/coolest person ever
i can't wait

I feel like it's dead week! My stress level just keeps continuing to rise. It's after 1 am on tuesday morning, and I'm going crazy! I'm busy all day tomorrow, I have a test, a group presentation, and a group paper due all on wednesday, and a paper (only a paragraph, but I have to know all the sources for a research paper) due on friday. And of course I decide to fill up this last weekend with everything but homework.

Lord, cover me!! I need You! I'm desperate for You!

and again I ask myself: why do I do this? why am I at school? why do I need to learn at PLU? what am I doing that I'm going to use in the future?

and it's 1 am...i'm not coherent...i'm surprised this post is turning out legible without too many typos. sleep is needed. But so is doing homework....grrrr....

i have to be up by 7 tomorrow to bring sarah to school....then I go to work at 9....then I meet Justin and Malia at their house.......then I go to the airport!!!!!!!

I will see Anna in about 14 hours!

my friends...

It's hard to hang out with people who haven't changed when you have changed a whole bunch. The change in my life is magnified when I'm around the people I used to be like. It's good to see that I actually changed, and it's not a figment of my imagination, but at the same time it's a little depressing.

I want to make one thing clear though: I do not think I'm better than my friends. I love these people, and I wouldn't trade their friendship, but I have allowed God to change me, mold me, break me, and do whatever He wants to me to make me who He created me to be.

At my friend's birthday pool party, I realized that I do not fit in. Which is fine. Because I'm not supposed to fit in. I'm supposed to be different. I'm supposed to be set apart. And I have to come to terms with that, and accept what God has for me.

I'm not sure if God brought opportunities for me to hang out with them just so that I could see that I have changed, or if He wants me to be back in their lives as well. Am I strong enough? Have I grown enough? Have I been trained to the point that I can still be Jesus to my friends without being dragged down?

Now I remember the thing I wrote saying that I can't be afraid to fail, because then I won't take a step of faith and I won't have the chance to succeed. I need to step out in faith. God gave me the people I hang out with for a reason. He's gonna move; I'm expecting it. And I've learned, that when I ask God to come, and I actually expect Him to answer my request, that HE COMES!!! HE MOVES!!! HE CHANGES LIVES!!! It's an amazing experience.

good morning....or is it?

Today is the day that the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it.

I've had to remind myself of this all day. It's easy to rejoice and be glad in today when it's going well, but today is not one of those days.

And now I'm going to go to the prayer shack, rejoice in today, and take a nice long NAP. And hopefully get some homework done sometime today!

.sigh of relief.

I'm skipping class to do homework. no really, I'm doing homework (well, I WAS)
my roomate will be proud of me! I have to sneeze, but my nose won't let me! grrr....

This weekend will be *crazy* but it's okay. I'm excited for it, for some odd reason. Yeah, I could be sitting on my ass, sleeping, doing homework, having all the time in the world, but that's not me. Me and my friends counted all the stuff I have to do: 11 things! not including homework. But it's gonna be okay! Cause guess what? GOD'S WITH ME! how exciting is that!? He's right next to me, helping me along.

and now I have a million hours of statistics to do. oh joy.
plus a french project to work on.
and a psych paper to write
my hair is getting long
i'm going home and listening to alicia keys REALLY LOUD
I love life.

rememberance (that one's for you, samuel!)

I like remembering what God did for me. I was talking to my friends at work and they were talking about all the dirt they have on people. I said "you don't have any dirt on me". They said "yeah we do" and said some dirty sexual comment. I said "no, I've changed since september" They asked me what that meant, but before I could explain, they changed the subject. I was pissed, because what I really wanted to say was "I've traded partying for prayer meetings". It's great to look back and see what God has saved me from. He already has the victory, there is no need for me to feel bound by it!

prayer tonight....i'm excited!

my head hurts

My pace is fast
I can't slow down
My momentum is pushing me, harder, faster
My world is swirling around me
showing no signs of slowing down
my head is spinning
the tension is building
there are tears in my eyes that long to come out
but I won't let them
stay in, tears
until I'm ready
right now I'm too busy to cry

this will be the week

I went to bed last night realizing that yet another week has begun. I told God that I don't want it to be just another week. I told Him I want to see Him move EVERY DAY. I want to be excited. I want to have an eternal focus. Who cares that I am pissed about something. Who cares that someone hurt me. What will it matter when I'm in heaven hanging out with Jesus? So I'm expecting to see God move. He always does, my eyes are just blind sometimes to it.

Open my eyes so I can see You!

off to class we go.....

no, I didn't write this =)

The two couldn't help but just stand there for a moment, watching, studying, pondering.

"The little warrior," said the dark-haired one. The big blonde man formed the words himself in silence, looking down at the contrite man in prayer.

"Yes," he observed, "this is the one. Even now he's interceding, standing efore the Lord for the sake of the people, for the town..."

"Almost every night he's here."

At that remark, the big man smiled. "He's not so insignificant."

"But he's the only one. He's alone."

"No," the big man shook his head. "There are others. There are always others. They just have to be found. For now, his single, vigilant prayer is the beginning."

"He's going to be hurt, you know that."

"And so will the newspaperman. And so will we."

"But will we win?"

The big man's eyes seemed to burn with a rekindled fire.

"We will fight."

"We will fight," his friend agreed.

They stood over the kneeling warrior, on either side....Together they ministered peace to their young charge.


I need to read "This Present Darkness". It's an amazing book! and it goes quite well with where our desperation prayer times are going.

i think i might have inspiration again

i love music that inspires me.

even thought this person and I are not on good terms

I can still say that he is an amazing musician

and his music inspires me

that's how i weigh music

so cold war nation

i love you

www.purevolume.com/coldwarnation

and I don't care if he wouldn't want me to say anything

since we're not talking anyway

listen, it's amazing

and yes, you do know him......adam wolbert

he's gonna be famous

more one liners

Flight from Seattle to Brussels: $800
Clothes bought in Europe: $200
Spending Christmas in the Eiffel Tower: $?
Seeing Anna in Europe: priceless

December 17th to January 15th
That's my plan
I almost went impulsive and bought it
But I restrained myself
I can't wait!

if I could be anything else it would be music

have you ever cried when listening to a song, even if it had no words. That was me, today.

I love music

L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-V-E

What an interesting group we have at PLU
Our prayer group is quite diverse

There's Carl: the soft one
Kelsie: the intercessor
Samuel: the soldier
Anne: the joyful one
Emily aka "Celia": the prophetic one
Emily aka Joy: the visual one
Jennifer: the discerner
Katie: loves God's love (talks about it all the time; it's great!)

So maybe my descriptions aren't perfectly correct, but it's what I could come up with in 30 seconds. The point is, we each have our place. And it's great to see people step up into their giftings.

I'm not really sure where I was going with that.... I think I'm procrastinating on my homework.

Is Ashlee Simpson's song titled "LOVE" really about love? It seems like a girl who doesn't really like her boyfriend, but "loves" her girlfriends (in the purely platonic way). It's great that she realizes that boyfriends will fade and girlfriends may not fade as fast, but what about God? That's real love. But even going past that, when I date someone, I'm not gonna be thinking about when we break up. My goal when I start dating is to see if this is the person I will be with for the rest of my life.

Enough ranting.... where's that darn pizza I ordered! I need reasons to procrastinate!!

what a day....

this morning I got up at 8. It felt good, but I was still tired. I had a good talk with Celia Dooley (ps, that's her new name, LoL) last night. It was one of those "I'm tired, and talking my head off" but it was good cause I got things out that I hadn't in a while.

I went to bed around midnight, which is earlier then I've done in a while. I had a horrible dream. I dreamt that I was walking on Park (right in front of Harstad) and there was this car that was parked there with a guy in it, staring at me. He grabbed me (somehow, I don't know how I was that close to his car) and said "You're gonna have sex with me." I freaked out, and started screaming, but there was no one around. I tried to get away, and I finally did and the button for Campus Safety was close, so I slammed it, and right when I did, the guy sped off but before he did he yelled "bitch, you're gonna die!" I was relieved that he left, but I started sobbing. Wes was on duty, and he came to the campus safety call. He asked me what happened and I explained it. Then my dream was done. But I've been thinking about it all day. And this is one of my biggest fears. All day I was freaked out of my mind, scared at the drive-through that someone was going to jump at me, scared walking from my door to my car, scared to be in my house alone. I'm pretty sure Satan needs to get off my back, and LEAVE ME ALONE!

So back to this morning. I got up and read the Bible, because we all promised we'd be prepared at prayer tonight. Before I started reading I prayed: "God, I don't want to say something tonight just to say something. I want it to be from You. So if You have something for me to say, speak to me. If not, don't let me read something and make it be from You." He definitely spoke to me. He gave me 3 words to say tonight! One from 1 Kings about Elijah.

He prayed HARD for it to rain. He told his servant a whopping 7 times to go check and see if there was a cloud on the horizon. The whole time he was in a fetal position, crying out to God, desperate for it to rain. Are we gonna be that committed, that desperate, that persistant?

The 2nd thing God sent me to, was the story of Elisha. He asked for a double portion....AND GOT IT! We have such a heritage at PLU of people who have done great things. Are we gonna be bold and ask for a double portion of that?

The 3rd thing God told me to share is from Ezekiel. It's in chapter 36, I think. There's one verse that says that the land of our forefathers is ours as well. We don't have to step back, we can take the land that the generations before us have already taken, and then take more land from the enemy's grip.

moving on to other great subjects.....

Everyone at the Y is hooking up! There are now 4 couples that are dating at the YMCA. Plus, my coworkers who don't have significant others that work at the Y, bring their significant others TO the Y. AAAAHHHHH!!!!!! And of course my best friend just had to bring her baby into the Y so that everyone could see him. I want a baby! And I want a relationship! and it doesn't help that about 5 people have asked me "what's going on with ******?" NOTHING! But at the same time, am I ready for a relationship? No! Do I have time for one? No! will it distract me from God right now? Yes! So basically, right now is not the time. But when it is time, it will be great, because it will be God's timing, not mine! But sometimes, I just wanna rush it, and be in someone's arms. That's just the mushy romantic girl on the inside.

Well, it's almost time to go the desperation prayer. Am I desperate? You better believe it!